When You're Doing the Work, But Your Partner Isn't: Navigating Uneven Growth in Relationships
So you've been investing in therapy, devouring self-help books, and working to become a better partner. You're pumped about all the positive changes and what they could mean for your relationship. But there’s one problem – your partner seems totally cool with things just as they are or says that they don’t need outside help or resources to make positive changes.
Sound familiar? Trust me, you're in good company. Loads of couples find themselves in this spot where one person is about that growth life, and the other... well, not so much.
Frustrating? You bet. But don't worry, we're going to unpack all of this.
Understanding the Situation
What does "doing the work" really mean in a relationship context? It's about actively engaging in self-improvement and relationship growth. This might involve:
Attending therapy or coaching sessions
Reading relationship books or taking courses
Practicing self-reflection and emotional awareness
Actively working on communication skills
Making conscious efforts to meet your partner's needs
When you're invested in this process, but your partner isn't, you might notice:
They're resistant to discussing relationship issues
They dismiss or minimize your growth efforts
They're unwilling to try new relationship strategies
They seem content with how things are, even if you're feeling 'meh' about it
It's important to understand that your partner's lack of participation doesn't necessarily stem from a lack of love or commitment. Growth often requires stepping out of comfort zones, which can be intimidating for some and lead to a resistance or closed-mindedness at trying new things. Potentially, they might not see the need for improvement if they're satisfied enough with the current state of the relationship or they may not realize the impact their inaction is having on you and the relationship.
They may have also had previous negative experiences with therapy or self-help that might make them skeptical.
Getting where they're coming from can help you approach this situation with a bit more "us" and a little less "you vs. me," setting the stage for productive conversations about your relationship's growth.
Impact on the Relationship
When one partner is actively working on personal growth while the other remains stagnant, it can create significant ripple effects throughout the relationship. As the active partner, it’s common to feel frustrated by your partner’s inaction or resistance, like you are pulling all the weight in the relationship’s progress forward. This one-sided effort isn’t likely to produce timely results or improvement either. This can lead to resentment overtime for your partner not matching your efforts. It doesn’t feel good to be the only one doing the heavy lifting for the relationship. You likely will feel lonely and isolated, too.
This can definitely affect your relationship dynamics as well. As you evolve, you may find less common ground with your partner and feel like you two are growing apart. This may be the case. As you learn and develop more advanced relationship skills and expectations, you may find that you are questioning the fit of your current relationship. It’s also not uncommon to feel like there is an increase in misunderstandings and conflict which can further the relationship doubt. Because of these shifting dynamics, emotional distance can develop, affecting your connection and intimacy.
Acknowledging these challenges doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is doomed—but it may strengthen your resolve in believing that something needs to change and lead you closer to making informed decisions about your relationship's future.
Addressing the Issue of Imbalance
This situation requires patience, understanding, and clear communication. It’s essential to approach the situation with a blend of self-reflection and thoughtful conversation.
First, begin with self-reflection. Take time to examine your own motivations. Are you focusing solely on the relationship, or could this also be about your own personal growth? It's important to ensure that your efforts aren't solely based on changing your partner. Also, check your expectations—are you projecting your own journey onto your partner, expecting them to evolve at the same pace as you? Recognizing where your desires come from is key to addressing the imbalance fairly.
Next, practice clear communication strategies. Using "I" statements can help express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For instance, saying "I feel disconnected when we're not growing together" is more constructive than saying, "You never want to improve." Additionally, practicing active listening is essential. Give your partner the space to share their perspective, and resist the urge to interrupt. Show empathy by trying to understand their reservations or fears around personal growth work. This can open up a more supportive dialogue.
When it comes to setting boundaries and expectations, be clear about your needs. Mind reading is not a relationship skill, and your partner won't know what you require unless you express it. Be honest about the potential consequences if these needs aren't met, but try to avoid ultimatums, which can create unnecessary pressure or resentment.
Encouraging your partner to participate in personal or relational growth is another step forward. One of the most effective ways to do this is by leading through example. Continue your own growth journey and let your positive changes speak for themselves. Share the benefits you've experienced through personal growth and how it’s improved your relationship. This might spark curiosity or openness in your partner. Finally, invite your partner to join you in a small way, such as reading a book together or attending a session. These invitations can serve as gentle entry points into the world of personal growth without overwhelming them.
Remember, personal and relational growth take time. Your partner may need some time to see the value in this work, just as Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be patient, lead with understanding, and continue nurturing your own journey.
Seeking Help and Moving Forward
While these strategies can help, you might consider seeking help if:
Communication consistently breaks down despite your best efforts
You feel stuck in a cycle of frustration and resentment
The imbalance in growth efforts is causing significant distress or disconnection
Couples therapy or coaching can be a game-changer. It's like having a relationship translator who can help you get on the same page with your goals and communication.
Attachment-based therapy can be especially helpful if you find yourself consistently in, well, inconsistent relationships. In other words, if you tend to have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself sticking around in relationships that aren't the best fit. This pattern can exacerbate the emotional toll of uneven growth, as you might be more likely to endure the frustration rather than address it directly. An attachment-based therapy approach helps couples understand their attachment styles and how these influence their relationship dynamics.
Above all, your journey of personal growth is commendable, and it's okay to desire a partner who shares this commitment. Whether you decide to work through these challenges together or reassess the relationship, prioritizing your happiness is essential.
The Bottom Line
Relationships are about growing together, even if you're not always in perfect sync. It's normal for you and your partner to progress at different speeds, but if your growth train is chugging along while your partner's still at the station, even the strongest love can start to feel the strain.
The good news? As awkward or scary as it might feel, opening up about this stuff is part of the way toward building something healthier, happier, and way more satisfying for both of you.
The bad news? Sometimes, this dynamic can be a sign that deeper issues need to be addressed. If your partner consistently shows unwillingness to grow or put effort into the relationship, it may be time to seriously reflect on whether the relationship is truly serving you.
While it's natural for partners to progress at different paces, you deserve someone who is also invested in growing together. If you're always the one pushing forward while your partner remains stagnant, it can lead to resentment and emotional exhaustion. Ultimately, you deserve to have a partner who is willing to put in the effort, grow alongside you, and work toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. If that’s not happening, it might be time to consider if this relationship is the right fit for you in the long term.
If you're struggling with these issues in your relationship, know that support is available. As an attachment-based therapist and relationship coach, I offer individual coaching and self-paced digital courses to women struggling with relationships and attachment issues. Check out my current services here and follow along with me on IG for relationship and attachment skills, education, and support!
Self-Abandonment and Anxious Attachment: Reclaiming Yourself in Relationships
You might be experiencing self-abandonment linked to an anxious attachment style. However, there's a key to reclaiming yourself in relationships, and it lies in self-awareness. Recognizing these patterns is the first empowering step toward healing and forging healthier, more fulfilling connections with others—and, most importantly, with yourself.
Do you ever feel like you're losing yourself in your relationships, constantly bending over backward to make others happy, even at the expense of your well-being? Maybe you struggle with anxiety in relationships, where fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to always put others' needs before your own.
If this resonates with you, it's a sign that you might be experiencing self-abandonment linked to an anxious attachment style. However, there's a key to reclaiming yourself in relationships, and it lies in self-awareness. Recognizing these patterns is the first empowering step toward healing and forging healthier, more fulfilling connections with others—and, most importantly, with yourself.
What is Self-Abandonment?
Self-abandonment is a psychological phenomenon where we reject, suppress, or ignore parts of ourselves to maintain relationships or gain approval from others. It's a coping mechanism often rooted in early experiences that can become damaging in adult relationships, leading to codependency and a loss of self-identity.
Self-identity refers to the unique characteristics, beliefs, and values that define us as individuals. When we self-abandon, we often lose touch with these aspects of ourselves, leading to a sense of disconnection and dissatisfaction.
Why Does Self-Abandonment Happen?
Often, self-abandonment behaviors are learned in childhood. If your early caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or overly critical, you may have developed an anxious attachment style. Because of this, you may have learned to prioritize others' needs and seek external validation to feel secure, even if it meant abandoning parts of yourself.
Think of it like this: imagine you have a beautiful garden full of diverse plants, each representing a part of you. When you self-abandon, it's like neglecting certain plants, not giving them the water and sunlight they need to thrive, all to focus on the plants you think others prefer. Over time, those neglected parts of you wither, leaving you feeling incomplete and disconnected from yourself.
The Self-Abandonment Cycle and Triggers in Adult Relationships
As an adult, certain relationship triggers, like fear of rejection or conflict, can bring out these self-abandoning tendencies. You might find yourself agreeing to things you don't want to do, suppressing your feelings, or contorting yourself to fit others' expectations.
Over time, this pattern can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction within your relationships. However, breaking this cycle can bring significant positive changes in your life. It can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships, a stronger sense of self, and greater well-being. This process requires self-awareness, self-compassion, and the courage to set boundaries, but the rewards are worth the effort.
What Does Self-Abandonment Look Like?
Self-abandonment can manifest in many ways. For instance, you might say yes when you want to say no, like always canceling your plans whenever your partner wants to hang out, even if you were looking forward to some alone time. Another example could be neglecting your physical or emotional needs, pushing yourself to exhaustion, or ignoring feelings of discomfort or unhappiness.
Another common sign is silencing your opinions to avoid rocking the boat. Perhaps you never share your true feelings in fear of being rejected or judged. You might constantly seek others' approval, basing your self-worth on external validation rather than your sense of self.
Self-abandonment can also look like staying in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone, even when your needs aren't being met. You may tolerate mistreatment or compromise your values to maintain the relationship, even when you know deep down that you are worthy and deserving of love and respect.
These are just a few examples of how self-abandonment can manifest daily. By recognizing your own similar patterns, you can start making more conscious choices that honor your needs and well-being.
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Abandonment
Healing self-abandonment starts with awareness. Begin to notice when you're ignoring your needs or silencing your voice. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?" and learn to prioritize those needs, even if it initially feels uncomfortable.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is key. Practice saying no when something doesn't feel right. Remember, a healthy relationship allows room for both people's needs and desires.
Communicating your boundaries clearly and calmly and using "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without seemingly placing blame can help keep conversations constructive. With practice, setting boundaries will become more natural, and you'll develop a stronger sense of self within your relationships.
Self-Soothing Techniques
Self-soothing is another powerful tool. When those anxious attachment feelings arise, try taking some deep breaths, placing your hand on your heart, and speaking kindly to yourself, like you would to a dear friend. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect, just as you are.
Additionally, you can engage in things that bring you joy or comfort, such as reading a book, taking a walk in nature, or listening to calming music.
Prioritizing Your Needs
Learning to prioritize your needs is essential to breaking the self-abandonment cycle. This includes learning to advocate for yourself, which means speaking up for your needs, wants, and feelings respectfully and assertively.
Start with small steps, like setting aside time each day for an activity you enjoy or expressing your opinion on a preference. As you gradually work to bigger issues, you'll strengthen your self-advocacy and self-care muscles.
Building a Supportive Network
When you have an anxious attachment, it is crucial to surround yourself with a network of supportive, healthy relationships, which might include friends, family members, or support groups who validate your experiences.
These supportive connections provide a sense of belonging and emotional safety, helping to counteract the negative self-beliefs and fears often associated with anxious attachment. By engaging in these relationships, you can build trust, practice vulnerability, and develop a more secure attachment style, fostering a stronger sense of self and creating a foundation for more fulfilling connections in all areas of your life.
You Deserve to be Seen and Heard: Take the First Step Toward a Secure Attachment Style
Remember, self-abandonment is not a personal failing. It's a learned behavior that you have the power to unlearn. By understanding your patterns and committing to small acts of self-love and self-advocacy, you can gradually reclaim those abandoned parts of yourself.
Therapy is a powerful tool in untangling deeply ingrained patterns like self-abandonment and anxious attachment. In therapy, you can explore how your early relationships have shaped your attachment style and identify the root causes of your self-abandoning behaviors. With the right support and practice, you can learn to show up authentically in your relationships and build a loving connection with yourself.
If you're ready to dive deeper into healing anxious attachment and self-abandonment, I'm here to support you. As a therapist in Fort Collins, I specialize in helping individuals develop more secure, authentic relationships - with others and with themselves. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation and take the first step towards embracing all of who you are.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Relationship & Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL, and I provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!! Schedule a free coaching consultation call with me here!
What Does Self-Love Have to Do with Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds?
Explore the transformative power of self-love in healing anxious attachment wounds. Discover how cultivating self-worth and compassion can rewrite old relationship patterns, replace negative beliefs, and nurture healthier, more secure attachments. Join us on this empowering journey towards love and healing.
What Does Self-Love Have to Do with Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds?
Have you ever yearned for a secure, constant, and fulfilling love? If so, and you find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, or overly dependent in relationships, you may be experiencing anxious attachment. This attachment style, stemming from early childhood experiences, can fuel a constant need for reassurance and validation from others, making it challenging to build healthy, secure connections.
We often yearn for the "missing piece" - the love we might not have received in the past. We might think, "If nobody loved me the way I deserved, isn't that what's missing?" Unfortunately, the past is unchangeable. But the good news is, we can change ourselves. And that's where self-love comes in. By cultivating a deep sense of self-worth and compassion, we embark on a transformative journey towards healing the wounds of anxious attachment.
Understanding the Source: Early Experiences and Redefining Love
Imagine love as a map you received in childhood. For some of us with anxious attachment, that map might have been a little...crumpled and unclear. Maybe it offered confusing directions, or worse, led to dead ends. These early experiences shape our understanding of love, and just like following a faulty map, can lead us down paths that aren't fulfilling or healthy in our adult relationships.
But the good news is, you're not stuck with that old map! The power of self-love lies in realizing you can completely rewrite the script. You can 'unlearn' those initial lessons by charting a new course. It's about showering yourself with the love, compassion, and understanding you may have missed out on in the past. This is your chance to create a brand new map, one that leads you towards secure, fulfilling connections, starting with the most important one – the one with yourself.
Replacing Negative Beliefs: Self-Love as the Root of Change
Negative self-beliefs act like little whispers in your head, constantly reinforcing anxious attachment patterns. Statements like "I'm unlovable" or "I need constant reassurance" can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Imagine always expecting your partner to be distant or unavailable. This constant anxiety might lead you to cling to them more tightly, which could push them further away, confirming your initial belief.
Similarly, the belief "I can't be happy alone" can lead to settling for unhealthy relationships or staying in situations that don't fulfill you simply because you fear being alone. This behavior reinforces the idea that happiness comes solely from external validation, hindering your ability to build a strong, independent sense of self.
Self-love is the antidote to this self-fulfilling cycle. Imagine it as a gentle gardener, patiently uprooting these negative beliefs one by one. We can challenge and replace these limiting thoughts by cultivating self-compassion and understanding. It's not about grand gestures but consistent, everyday acts of self-care, like practicing positive affirmations, speaking up for yourself, or indulging in a relaxing activity you enjoy. Allowing secure attachment to blossom is about nurturing your self-worth, challenging those limiting beliefs, and realizing that you deserve happiness and love, regardless of what others do or don't offer.
Self-Love and Attachment Wounds: Facing the Challenge
The path to healing attachment wounds begins with a brave look in the mirror. It's not always comfortable to confront the ways in which you might be contributing to your own distress. However, through the lens of self-love, this becomes an empowering act, a testament to your worthiness of secure and satisfying love.
Self-love empowers you to recognize the red flags in relationships, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that honor your emotional well-being. It is a radical act of self-preservation that marks the beginning of a shift towards healthier, more secure attachments. It's about recognizing that you are worthy, not just as an intellectual idea, but something to be actively practiced.
Reparenting Through Self-Love: Healing the Inner Child
Reparenting is the profound and necessary process of meeting your own unmet childhood needs. This can sound daunting, but the truth is, you're the best person for the job. Through self-love, you can provide the compassion, nurturing, and understanding your inner child craves but hasn't adequately received. This is the essence of healing from anxious attachment—loving the parts of you that have suffered and, by doing so, facilitating growth and resilience.
Visualize the moments that disappointed or hurt your younger self, and imagine extending the care and comfort you needed at that time. Self-love offers this incredible superpower – the ability to heal our wounded past by directing love to the present and, in turn, building a loving future.
Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds: The Power of Self-Love
This journey towards healing anxious attachment wounds through self-love is an empowering one. You embark on a transformative path by understanding the roots of your attachment style, replacing negative beliefs, and embracing the power of self-compassion.
Remember, self-love isn't a destination but a continuous journey. It's a daily practice, an ongoing conversation with oneself that acknowledges flaws and strides forward anyway. It requires patience, commitment, and a willingness to lean into the discomfort of change. But with every step you take grounded in self-love, you're inching closer to a more fulfilling, peaceful existence within your own skin and in your relationships.
If you're in Fort Collins and ready to take the next step on your healing journey, I invite you to seek support through therapy. I offer a free introductory call to discuss your goals and explore how I can help you cultivate self-love and build secure, fulfilling relationships. Together, we can create a roadmap towards the love and happiness you deserve.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here! I also provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!
Healing from Within: Self-Care Practices for Anxious Attachment
Discover powerful self-care practices for healing anxious attachment on your journey to emotional well-being. Navigate the storm within with strategies like developing a self-soothing toolkit, staying grounded in the present through mindfulness, setting healthy relationship boundaries, and increasing self-awareness through journaling.
Healing from Within: Self-Care Practices for Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment can make relationships feel like navigating through turbulent waters. The constant fear of abandonment, coupled with an unsettling sense of not being loveable or important, can be deeply overwhelming. Relentless worry is likely to erode your self-esteem and peace and create distress in any relationship.
But here's the comforting news: you can calm the storm within. It's not just about learning to ride out those intense waves of anxiety during arguments, waiting for texts, or interpreting perceived slights. It's about nurturing your emotional resilience, fostering the ability to self-soothe, and challenging the negative beliefs that hold you back from relationship peace.
Self-Care Strategies for Anxious Attachment
Overcoming anxious attachment isn't always smooth sailing, and that's okay. Instead of fearing the inevitable relationship bumps along the way or seeking immediate resolution, you can shift your focus toward creating a foundation of internal security and calm.
Let’s look at some practical steps you can take to work towards exactly this.
1) Developing a Toolkit of Self-Soothing Strategies
When anxiety tries to steer you off course and overwhelm you, it's crucial to have accessible, go-to coping strategies. These tools give you the power to manage those intense feelings and find peace within yourself, regardless of what is going on externally.
A few ideas include journaling to untangle your worries, exercising to release endorphins and boost your mood, spending time in nature or listening to soothing music to wash away stress. By finding what works for you and incorporating these practices into your daily routine, you empower yourself to manage anxiety, not the other way around.
2) Grounding Techniques and Mindfulness Meditation
When anxieties about the future take hold, "dropping anchor" through simple mindfulness techniques can help you stay centered in the here and now rather than getting swept up in "what if" thinking. Try grounding yourself with mindful breathing or meditative walks in nature, anchoring your awareness in the present.
3) Physical Self-Care Practices
Because the mind and body are so interconnected, a tense mind often leads to a tense body – and vice versa. Practices like deep breathing, yoga, and progressive muscle relaxation can release physical tension while acting as effective tools for a calmer, regulated nervous system and emotional balance.
4) Setting Boundaries in Relationships
Those with anxious attachment often instinctively neglect personal needs to please their partners or fear that expressing needs will be “too much” for others and that doing so could lead to abandonment. However, learning to express yourself to ease attachment anxiety and ultimately achieve healthy relationships involves considering your feelings, too.
Use boundary setting as a way to slowly work your way out of your comfort, people-pleasing zone. Check whether a request fits your priorities before automatically saying yes or sacrificing for a partner, family member, or friend. When you want to say no, practice saying phrases like "I'm not comfortable with that right now" or "I need some me time tonight” or “let me get back to you about that” (my personal favorite because it buys you time to really consider what is right for you).
5) Practicing Self-Compassion
When your anxious attachment kicks in, it might lead to harsh self-judgment. You might blame yourself for conflict, catastrophize about rejection, or generalize negative thoughts about your worthiness and ability to maintain relationships.
The key is to interrupt this cycle at any point by developing self-compassionate tools.
Write a compassionate letter to yourself, and answer prompts such as, "If I could speak to a younger version of myself experiencing this, what would I say?" or "What qualities do I admire in myself that I need to remember right now?". Recite or journal positive affirmations like "I am worthy of love" or "I am capable of handling difficult situations."
6) Increasing Self-Awareness and Challenging Anxious Thoughts
Anxious attachment can skew our perceptions around relationships, leading us to jump to conclusions with thoughts like, "My partner doesn't truly care about me." Catching thought distortions through awareness loosens their anxiety-triggering grip.
Pay attention to what triggers your anxious feelings, like certain situations or conversations. When you notice critical self-talk after interactions ("I'm too needy, they're pulling away"), write down concrete examples. Before believing every anxious thought, ask yourself questions like "Is there evidence this worry is 100% true or likely?" and "How might I view this situation if I felt emotionally secure?" Insert kinder, more likely perspectives.
7) Visualizing Secure Relationships
Positive visualizations are super powerful. Try envisioning interacting with loved ones from a grounded, secure place. When you notice attachment anxiety rising, close your eyes and picture speaking your needs kindly, but firmly, feeling understood. Imagine your posture open and relaxed as you receive care. Allow those emotions to soothe and steady you. This mental rehearsal can have surprisingly tangible outcomes as it reconditions your expectations and responses.
8) Seeking Supportive Relationships and Communities
Just as plants thrive in fertile soil, healing from anxious attachment flourishes in supportive environments. Efforts to foster positive connections—with friends, family, or support groups—can reinforce your sense of security. Share your journey with those who uplift and assure you, not those who amplify your fears.
9) Considering Therapy for Anxious Attachment
With every deep breath and moment spent calmly facing discomfort, you strengthen your emotional muscles. You're rewiring your neural pathways in your brain for trust and resilience, becoming your own anchor in the storms. You begin to be very aware that these feelings will pass, and you can weather them all.
Still, having a caring professional can help effectively identify the roots of ingrained patterns, offering insight and personalized strategies to overcome anxious attachments and navigate relationships from a more secure place.
If you want help healing your anxious attachment, know that support is available. Reach out to me at Hannah Dorsher Coaching for attachment-based coaching. I have an 8- week group coaching program coming up early 2024 as well—sign up for my email list here and get my free attachment quiz to find out your attachment style while also getting updates about my program start dates and information.
If you want to get started healing now, you can also download my free guide: Anxious to Secure in Motherhood and Marriage here!
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here! I also provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!
Building Secure Attachment Styles in Children
Discover the keys to building secure attachment styles in children and create a foundation of security and trust. Learn the importance of reliable responses, signs of insecure bonds, and practical tips for building strong connections. Explore the impact of secure attachment on your child's emotional development, behavior, and lifelong well-being. Embrace the "good enough" parenting concept, understanding that perfection isn't the goal—consistency, responsiveness, and connection are.
Building Secure Attachment Styles in Children
As a parent, you want your baby to feel safe, loved, and ready to take on the world. Developing a secure attachment lays the foundation. When you respond reliably, it teaches your child that they can depend on you when distressed. This shapes their brain, emotional skills, and how they relate to others now and into adulthood.
But what if you don't always get it "right"? Will your child be doomed? Let's talk about secure attachment in kids, how to foster it, and why being a "good enough" caregiver matters most.
Why Does Secure Attachment in Children Matter?
Attachment refers to the connection built through consistent care in the early years. Secure means the child trusts you'll meet their needs with warmth. Insecure is when parents seem unavailable, rejecting, or anxious. One makes kids feel safe—the other...not so much.
Studies show kids with secure attachment have better impulse control, cope with stress more easily, and carry confidence into relationships and schooling. They are also less likely to internalize issues like anxiety and depression and externalize behaviors like acting out. As a result of this and other factors, children with secure attachment styles are more likely to have better mental health outcomes throughout their lives.
On the other hand, insecure attachment can negatively impact development in areas like behavior, emotional skills, and poor boundaries with others. So yeah, it's kind of a big deal! The great news is that there are ways to nurture secure bonds even if you had an unstable childhood.
Signs of an Insecure Bond
Caregivers play a crucial role in shaping their children's attachment styles, significantly impacting their emotional and interpersonal well-being throughout life. For example, if your tiny human frequently seems terrified when you leave, wants to be held 24/7, or freaks out when plans change, they may struggle with attachment anxiety. This often happens when parents hover but then check out emotionally. The inconsistency is unsettling. If your own anxiety kicks in around parenting, it likely reads as unreliable and untrusting to them, which can affect their sense of trust in the people and world around them.
How to Build Secure Attachment Styles in Children
The best way to foster secure attachment styles in children is to help them feel secure by offering connected, responsive care. Here are some practical ways to build a secure attachment style in your kids:
• Be reliable in meeting needs and promises. Hunger, hugs, playtime. If you say you'll read three books before bed, follow through.
Consistently meeting a child's physical and emotional needs builds a sense of security and trust. When children can count on their caregivers for consistency in basic necessities, emotional support, and even scheduling, it fosters a strong foundation for a secure attachment.
• Comfort them when they're upset in a warm, soothing way. Teach coping skills, too, like deep breathing or hugging a stuffed animal.
Providing comfort in distress helps children regulate their emotions and develop a secure base. Teaching coping skills further empowers them to manage their feelings, contributing to emotional resilience.
• Respect their quest for independence as they grow. As your child starts taking on more responsibilities, like getting themselves ready for school, allow them the space to navigate their morning routine independently.
While your instinct might be to intervene, showing respect for their growing autonomy reinforces their confidence and independence and fosters a secure attachment by acknowledging their ability to handle new challenges.
• Give plenty of affection along with maintaining gentle boundaries. Think regular snuggles but not letting them sleep in your bed at age 8.
Balancing affection with boundaries creates a secure and predictable environment. Regular affection reinforces emotional connection while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries helps children understand limits and develop a sense of safety.
• Keep discipline, tone of voice, and routine consistent. The same tantrum gets the same sequence of warning, time out, and then reconciliation talk.
Consistent discipline and routine provide a structured environment that helps children feel secure. Predictable consequences for actions, a consistent tone of voice, and routine sequences contribute to stable and reliable caregiving.
• Listen attentively when they speak to you. Make eye contact, paraphrase what you hear, and empathize with their feelings.
Attentive listening communicates that a child's thoughts and feelings are valued, enhancing communication and strengthening the connection between caregiver and child.
• Play in ways that foster imagination, creativity, and confidence. Let them take the lead, be silly, and get comfortable taking risks.
Play is crucial for emotional expression, learning, and strengthening the bond between caregivers and children.
• Helping them handle upsets through emotional labeling: When your child is upset, help them put their feelings into words. For example, if they're angry, they might say, "I'm mad because my friend took my toy without asking."
Teaching children emotional intelligence helps them understand and manage their emotions. By providing tools like emotional labeling and role-playing, caregivers empower children to navigate social interactions and express themselves, contributing to a secure attachment.
Why "Good Enough" Parenting is Enough
The key to creating secure attachment in children is to make them feel safe opening up, soothed when distressed, and secure enough in your bond to explore life freely. This means finding a balance between comforting and allowing age-appropriate freedom. It's time to see yourself as their secure base - the anchor they can trust to return to after difficult feelings arise.
But what if, despite your efforts, you still don't get it right all the time? First, join the club! Perfection is impossible. The goal isn't mistake-free caregiving - it's continuing to show up, make amends, and rebuild bonds after conflicts happen or you lose your cool.
Research actually shows secure attachment happens when a parent gets it right about 50% of the time! Your child only needs you to be "good enough" - not perfect.
And get yourself support when you need it! Parenting is hard on good days. If your own anxiety or past issues get kicked up, attachment-based counseling can help you break cycles. There will be messy moments, but security can happen through a commitment to good enough.
If you have concerns about insecure or anxious attachment impacting your child or parenting, please know help is available. I encourage you to schedule your free 15-minute consultation today. (Colorado and Florida residents only).
You can also get started healing your anxious attachment today by downloading my free guide: Anxious to Secure in Motherhood and Marriage here, or learn to regulate your emotions skillfully by downloading my free Emotion Regulation Skills Guide here.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!