When You're Doing the Work, But Your Partner Isn't: Navigating Uneven Growth in Relationships
So you've been investing in therapy, devouring self-help books, and working to become a better partner. You're pumped about all the positive changes and what they could mean for your relationship. But there’s one problem – your partner seems totally cool with things just as they are or says that they don’t need outside help or resources to make positive changes.
Sound familiar? Trust me, you're in good company. Loads of couples find themselves in this spot where one person is about that growth life, and the other... well, not so much.
Frustrating? You bet. But don't worry, we're going to unpack all of this.
Understanding the Situation
What does "doing the work" really mean in a relationship context? It's about actively engaging in self-improvement and relationship growth. This might involve:
Attending therapy or coaching sessions
Reading relationship books or taking courses
Practicing self-reflection and emotional awareness
Actively working on communication skills
Making conscious efforts to meet your partner's needs
When you're invested in this process, but your partner isn't, you might notice:
They're resistant to discussing relationship issues
They dismiss or minimize your growth efforts
They're unwilling to try new relationship strategies
They seem content with how things are, even if you're feeling 'meh' about it
It's important to understand that your partner's lack of participation doesn't necessarily stem from a lack of love or commitment. Growth often requires stepping out of comfort zones, which can be intimidating for some and lead to a resistance or closed-mindedness at trying new things. Potentially, they might not see the need for improvement if they're satisfied enough with the current state of the relationship or they may not realize the impact their inaction is having on you and the relationship.
They may have also had previous negative experiences with therapy or self-help that might make them skeptical.
Getting where they're coming from can help you approach this situation with a bit more "us" and a little less "you vs. me," setting the stage for productive conversations about your relationship's growth.
Impact on the Relationship
When one partner is actively working on personal growth while the other remains stagnant, it can create significant ripple effects throughout the relationship. As the active partner, it’s common to feel frustrated by your partner’s inaction or resistance, like you are pulling all the weight in the relationship’s progress forward. This one-sided effort isn’t likely to produce timely results or improvement either. This can lead to resentment overtime for your partner not matching your efforts. It doesn’t feel good to be the only one doing the heavy lifting for the relationship. You likely will feel lonely and isolated, too.
This can definitely affect your relationship dynamics as well. As you evolve, you may find less common ground with your partner and feel like you two are growing apart. This may be the case. As you learn and develop more advanced relationship skills and expectations, you may find that you are questioning the fit of your current relationship. It’s also not uncommon to feel like there is an increase in misunderstandings and conflict which can further the relationship doubt. Because of these shifting dynamics, emotional distance can develop, affecting your connection and intimacy.
Acknowledging these challenges doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is doomed—but it may strengthen your resolve in believing that something needs to change and lead you closer to making informed decisions about your relationship's future.
Addressing the Issue of Imbalance
This situation requires patience, understanding, and clear communication. It’s essential to approach the situation with a blend of self-reflection and thoughtful conversation.
First, begin with self-reflection. Take time to examine your own motivations. Are you focusing solely on the relationship, or could this also be about your own personal growth? It's important to ensure that your efforts aren't solely based on changing your partner. Also, check your expectations—are you projecting your own journey onto your partner, expecting them to evolve at the same pace as you? Recognizing where your desires come from is key to addressing the imbalance fairly.
Next, practice clear communication strategies. Using "I" statements can help express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For instance, saying "I feel disconnected when we're not growing together" is more constructive than saying, "You never want to improve." Additionally, practicing active listening is essential. Give your partner the space to share their perspective, and resist the urge to interrupt. Show empathy by trying to understand their reservations or fears around personal growth work. This can open up a more supportive dialogue.
When it comes to setting boundaries and expectations, be clear about your needs. Mind reading is not a relationship skill, and your partner won't know what you require unless you express it. Be honest about the potential consequences if these needs aren't met, but try to avoid ultimatums, which can create unnecessary pressure or resentment.
Encouraging your partner to participate in personal or relational growth is another step forward. One of the most effective ways to do this is by leading through example. Continue your own growth journey and let your positive changes speak for themselves. Share the benefits you've experienced through personal growth and how it’s improved your relationship. This might spark curiosity or openness in your partner. Finally, invite your partner to join you in a small way, such as reading a book together or attending a session. These invitations can serve as gentle entry points into the world of personal growth without overwhelming them.
Remember, personal and relational growth take time. Your partner may need some time to see the value in this work, just as Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be patient, lead with understanding, and continue nurturing your own journey.
Seeking Help and Moving Forward
While these strategies can help, you might consider seeking help if:
Communication consistently breaks down despite your best efforts
You feel stuck in a cycle of frustration and resentment
The imbalance in growth efforts is causing significant distress or disconnection
Couples therapy or coaching can be a game-changer. It's like having a relationship translator who can help you get on the same page with your goals and communication.
Attachment-based therapy can be especially helpful if you find yourself consistently in, well, inconsistent relationships. In other words, if you tend to have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself sticking around in relationships that aren't the best fit. This pattern can exacerbate the emotional toll of uneven growth, as you might be more likely to endure the frustration rather than address it directly. An attachment-based therapy approach helps couples understand their attachment styles and how these influence their relationship dynamics.
Above all, your journey of personal growth is commendable, and it's okay to desire a partner who shares this commitment. Whether you decide to work through these challenges together or reassess the relationship, prioritizing your happiness is essential.
The Bottom Line
Relationships are about growing together, even if you're not always in perfect sync. It's normal for you and your partner to progress at different speeds, but if your growth train is chugging along while your partner's still at the station, even the strongest love can start to feel the strain.
The good news? As awkward or scary as it might feel, opening up about this stuff is part of the way toward building something healthier, happier, and way more satisfying for both of you.
The bad news? Sometimes, this dynamic can be a sign that deeper issues need to be addressed. If your partner consistently shows unwillingness to grow or put effort into the relationship, it may be time to seriously reflect on whether the relationship is truly serving you.
While it's natural for partners to progress at different paces, you deserve someone who is also invested in growing together. If you're always the one pushing forward while your partner remains stagnant, it can lead to resentment and emotional exhaustion. Ultimately, you deserve to have a partner who is willing to put in the effort, grow alongside you, and work toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. If that’s not happening, it might be time to consider if this relationship is the right fit for you in the long term.
If you're struggling with these issues in your relationship, know that support is available. As an attachment-based therapist and relationship coach, I offer individual coaching and self-paced digital courses to women struggling with relationships and attachment issues. Check out my current services here and follow along with me on IG for relationship and attachment skills, education, and support!
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Relationship & Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL, and I provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!! Check out my Anxious Attachment course: Anxious to Secure—Healing Your Anxious Attachment—here.
