Self-Abandonment and Anxious Attachment: Reclaiming Yourself in Relationships

Do you ever feel like you're losing yourself in your relationships, constantly bending over backward to make others happy, even at the expense of your well-being? Maybe you struggle with anxiety in relationships, where fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to always put others' needs before your own.

If this resonates with you, it's a sign that you might be experiencing self-abandonment linked to an anxious attachment style. However, there's a key to reclaiming yourself in relationships, and it lies in self-awareness. Recognizing these patterns is the first empowering step toward healing and forging healthier, more fulfilling connections with others—and, most importantly, with yourself.

What is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandonment is a psychological phenomenon where we reject, suppress, or ignore parts of ourselves to maintain relationships or gain approval from others. It's a coping mechanism often rooted in early experiences that can become damaging in adult relationships, leading to codependency and a loss of self-identity.
Self-identity refers to the unique characteristics, beliefs, and values that define us as individuals. When we self-abandon, we often lose touch with these aspects of ourselves, leading to a sense of disconnection and dissatisfaction.

Why Does Self-Abandonment Happen?

Often, self-abandonment behaviors are learned in childhood. If your early caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or overly critical, you may have developed an anxious attachment style. Because of this, you may have learned to prioritize others' needs and seek external validation to feel secure, even if it meant abandoning parts of yourself.

Think of it like this: imagine you have a beautiful garden full of diverse plants, each representing a part of you. When you self-abandon, it's like neglecting certain plants, not giving them the water and sunlight they need to thrive, all to focus on the plants you think others prefer. Over time, those neglected parts of you wither, leaving you feeling incomplete and disconnected from yourself.

The Self-Abandonment Cycle and Triggers in Adult Relationships

As an adult, certain relationship triggers, like fear of rejection or conflict, can bring out these self-abandoning tendencies. You might find yourself agreeing to things you don't want to do, suppressing your feelings, or contorting yourself to fit others' expectations.

Over time, this pattern can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction within your relationships. However, breaking this cycle can bring significant positive changes in your life. It can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships, a stronger sense of self, and greater well-being. This process requires self-awareness, self-compassion, and the courage to set boundaries, but the rewards are worth the effort.

What Does Self-Abandonment Look Like?

Self-abandonment can manifest in many ways. For instance, you might say yes when you want to say no, like always canceling your plans whenever your partner wants to hang out, even if you were looking forward to some alone time. Another example could be neglecting your physical or emotional needs, pushing yourself to exhaustion, or ignoring feelings of discomfort or unhappiness.

Another common sign is silencing your opinions to avoid rocking the boat. Perhaps you never share your true feelings in fear of being rejected or judged. You might constantly seek others' approval, basing your self-worth on external validation rather than your sense of self.

Self-abandonment can also look like staying in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone, even when your needs aren't being met. You may tolerate mistreatment or compromise your values to maintain the relationship, even when you know deep down that you are worthy and deserving of love and respect.

These are just a few examples of how self-abandonment can manifest daily. By recognizing your own similar patterns, you can start making more conscious choices that honor your needs and well-being.

Breaking the Cycle of Self-Abandonment

Healing self-abandonment starts with awareness. Begin to notice when you're ignoring your needs or silencing your voice. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?" and learn to prioritize those needs, even if it initially feels uncomfortable.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is key. Practice saying no when something doesn't feel right. Remember, a healthy relationship allows room for both people's needs and desires.

Communicating your boundaries clearly and calmly and using "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without seemingly placing blame can help keep conversations constructive. With practice, setting boundaries will become more natural, and you'll develop a stronger sense of self within your relationships.

Self-Soothing Techniques

Self-soothing is another powerful tool. When those anxious attachment feelings arise, try taking some deep breaths, placing your hand on your heart, and speaking kindly to yourself, like you would to a dear friend. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect, just as you are. 

Additionally, you can engage in things that bring you joy or comfort, such as reading a book, taking a walk in nature, or listening to calming music.

Prioritizing Your Needs

Learning to prioritize your needs is essential to breaking the self-abandonment cycle. This includes learning to advocate for yourself, which means speaking up for your needs, wants, and feelings respectfully and assertively.

Start with small steps, like setting aside time each day for an activity you enjoy or expressing your opinion on a preference. As you gradually work to bigger issues, you'll strengthen your self-advocacy and self-care muscles.

Building a Supportive Network

When you have an anxious attachment, it is crucial to surround yourself with a network of supportive, healthy relationships, which might include friends, family members, or support groups who validate your experiences.

These supportive connections provide a sense of belonging and emotional safety, helping to counteract the negative self-beliefs and fears often associated with anxious attachment. By engaging in these relationships, you can build trust, practice vulnerability, and develop a more secure attachment style, fostering a stronger sense of self and creating a foundation for more fulfilling connections in all areas of your life.

You Deserve to be Seen and Heard: Take the First Step Toward a Secure Attachment Style

Remember, self-abandonment is not a personal failing. It's a learned behavior that you have the power to unlearn. By understanding your patterns and committing to small acts of self-love and self-advocacy, you can gradually reclaim those abandoned parts of yourself.

Therapy is a powerful tool in untangling deeply ingrained patterns like self-abandonment and anxious attachment. In therapy, you can explore how your early relationships have shaped your attachment style and identify the root causes of your self-abandoning behaviors. With the right support and practice, you can learn to show up authentically in your relationships and build a loving connection with yourself.

If you're ready to dive deeper into healing anxious attachment and self-abandonment, I'm here to support you. As a therapist in Fort Collins, I specialize in helping individuals develop more secure, authentic relationships - with others and with themselves. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation and take the first step towards embracing all of who you are.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Relationship & Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL, and I provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!! Schedule a free coaching consultation call with me here!