How to Use Valentine’s Day to Strengthen Self-Love and Heal Attachment Wounds

Valentine’s Day can be a difficult time for many, especially for those navigating the complexities of attachment styles and self-love. The day is often filled with images of romantic love, leaving those who are single, anxiously attached, or healing from past relationships feeling left out or inadequate. But what if we shifted the narrative? What if Valentine’s Day became a celebration of self-love and a stepping stone toward healing and secure attachment?

The Pressure of Valentine’s Day

The cultural pressure to have a romantic partner on Valentine’s Day can be overwhelming. For those with an anxious attachment style, this pressure can amplify feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and the fear of being unlovable. The day can serve as a painful reminder of past relationship wounds or current relationship struggles.

However, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about romantic love. It can be an opportunity to turn inward and focus on the most important relationship you’ll ever have—the one with yourself.

My Journey with Valentine’s Day

For years, Valentine’s Day was a source of anxiety and disappointment for me. I remember being in middle school and high school, wishing so badly that I had a boyfriend to bring me flowers or a stuffed animal, feeling like my worth depended on being chosen by someone. In college, I had a boyfriend—one who conveniently broke up with me right before holidays like Valentine’s Day to avoid the pressure. That was a new kind of hurt.

Then came the situationships—those confusing, undefined relationships where I was never sure if I should expect anything on Valentine’s Day or not. The disappointment hit hard when the day rolled around, and my person didn’t acknowledge it in the way I had hoped.

Eventually, I met my husband, and for the first time, I felt cherished and genuinely loved on Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t about grand gestures or expensive gifts, but about feeling emotionally secure and valued in a way I hadn’t before. I finally experienced the kind of romance I had longed for—but by that time, I had also done the work to know that my worth wasn’t dependent on it.

Now, as a mom, Valentine’s Day looks completely different. It’s less about fancy dinners or flowers and more about making heart-shaped pancakes, baking cookies, and avoiding crowded restaurants at all costs. It’s about celebrating love in all its forms, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My journey with Valentine’s Day has evolved, but the biggest shift happened when I realized that love—true, deep, fulfilling love—starts with how we treat ourselves.

Focusing on Self-Love

Self-love is not just a buzzword; it’s a vital component of healing from insecure attachment styles. It’s about recognizing your worth, treating yourself with kindness, and understanding that you deserve love and respect, just as you are. Here are some ways to practice self-love this Valentine’s Day:

1. Create a Self-Care Ritual

Set aside time on Valentine’s Day to pamper yourself. This could be a long bath, reading a favorite book, cooking a delicious meal, or engaging in a hobby you love. The key is to do something that makes you feel good and appreciated by yourself.

2. Write a Love Letter to Yourself

Take a moment to write down all the things you appreciate about yourself. It might feel awkward at first, but acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments can be incredibly empowering. Keep the letter and read it whenever you need a reminder of your worth.

3. Reflect on Your Growth

Use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to reflect on how far you’ve come in your journey toward secure attachment. Celebrate the small wins—like setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, or managing your anxiety in healthier ways.

Strengthening Your Journey Toward Secure Attachment

Healing your attachment style is a journey, not a destination. Valentine’s Day can be a reminder of the love you’re cultivating within yourself. Here are some steps to strengthen your journey:

1. Acknowledge Your Needs

Understanding and acknowledging your emotional needs is crucial in healing attachment wounds. Spend time identifying what you need in relationships and from yourself to feel secure and loved.

2. Practice Emotional Regulation

Learn techniques to manage your emotions, especially during triggers. This could include mindfulness, journaling, or talking to a supportive friend or therapist.

3. Engage in Healthy Relationships

Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and support your growth. Healthy relationships can reinforce your journey toward secure attachment.

You Are Your Own Valentine

Valentine’s Day is a perfect opportunity to redefine what love means to you. By focusing on self-love and attachment healing, you can transform this day from one of potential sadness to one of celebration and growth. Remember, the most enduring and fulfilling relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. Celebrate that relationship this Valentine’s Day, and every day.

This shift in perspective changed my experience of Valentine’s Day, and it can do the same for you. Embrace self-love, honor your journey, and remember that your worth isn’t defined by your relationship status but by the love and respect you show yourself.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Relationship & Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL, and I provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!! Check out my Anxious Attachment course: Anxious to Secure—Healing Your Anxious Attachment—here.