What is an Anxious Attachment Style?

What is Anxious Attachment?

You may have been hearing more about attachment theory and attachment styles lately as this theory has started to become a little more popularized with social media. While there are multiple attachment styles, today we’ll focus on the anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment usually develops because of inconsistent parenting/caregiving (more on that later). This attachment style can make relationships feel tumultuous and/or reactive. Luckily, attachment styles are not permanent and can be changed! Keep reading to learn more about the characteristics of an anxious attachment style, the effects of an anxious attachment style on a relationship, and how to begin to heal attachment wounds that lead to an anxious attachment style.

Characteristics of Anxious Attachment:

At the core of an anxious attachment style is the fear of abandonment. People who grow to develop an anxious attachment style likely experienced inconsistent caregiving and frequent emotional misattunement—meaning that the caregivers were not in sync with the child’s emotional state and did not offer the appropriate comfort that the child needed at that time. Parents of these children may have also used their children to fulfill their own needs for love and connection and may have been overly involved or intrusive in their child’s life. This creates the dynamic that the parent’s needs are the focus, not the child’s.

As a result of these caregiver experiences, the child begins to develop an inability to trust that people will be dependable. Below are some common traits of anxious attachment style:

·      low self-esteem

·      clinginess

·      strong reactivity to perceived threats to connection/abandonment

·      jealousy or suspicion of their partners

·      intensely sensitive to, and sometimes threatened by, emotional shifts in their partner

·      hypervigilant to anything that is a perceived threat to connection or that seems like abandonment (like a constantly hyperactivated alarm system)

·      needing frequent reassurance from their partner

·      difficulty/fear being alone

·      reliance on others for emotion regulation and soothing

·      development of “protest behavior” in order to feel connected

Effects of an Anxious Attachment on Relationships

People with an anxious attachment style tend to put a lot of pressure on a relationship in that a relationship feels necessary for them to feel soothed/loved/safe, but having a relationship also causes them a great deal of anxiety and stress. The relationship can feel very up and down and intense because of this. Often, they will react intensely to perceived threats to connection, even if the threat is very small or not really an actual threat (ex: a partner takes a hour longer to return a text message, when they usually respond quickly—this will likely cause the person with anxious attachment to feel insecure and anxious about why their partner took longer to text back. They may perceive it as a sign that their partner is rejecting them or abandoning them).

Direct communication about feelings and needs may be difficult with this attachment style as well. As children, people with this style learned that their needs are not important and usually develop ways other than direct communication to get their needs met. Protest behavior patterns are one way that people with an anxious attachment style sometimes learn to communicate. Protest behavior is behavior that is designed to reassure a sense of connection; however, it is not skillful and can be harmful to the relationship. An example of protest behavior with the texting example mentioned a few sentences back would be calling their partner repeatedly to get a response, or waiting longer than their partner did to respond as a “keeping score” tactic. Obviously, neither of these behaviors directly communicate the person’s feelings or needs to their partner

So what can you do if you feel like you have an anxious attachment style?

Thankfully, attachment styles are not permanent. It’s totally possible to change your attachment style and work towards something call “earned secure attachment”. This is basically what is sounds like—through self-growth work you can earn a secure attachment style even if you did not have the foundation for a secure attachment growing up.  Here are some starting points to healing your attachment wounds:

1) Learn your anxious attachment triggers and reactions, and practice new skills. Think about your past relationship and identify the triggers to your attachment behavior. Note what emotions you were feeling when triggered and the behavior that followed. For instance: perhaps every time your partner was even slightly late without calling, you felt extremely anxious and called them repeatedly until they answered and then reacted angrily. This gives you a starting point for where you may need to improve your emotion regulation skills. Rather than calling repeatedly and becoming angry, you could work on self-soothing strategies and communication skills to share why their being late bothered you.

2)    Learn to identify securely attached people. Being in relationship with securely attached individuals can help you to change your behaviors as well. Practice opening yourself up to trust a securely attached friend, family member, or partner (or therapist!). Over time, this can help you learn that some people can be trusted, that intimacy can be safe and stable, and that when you communicate your feelings and needs you feel important and heard.  This may feel like taking a risk, but if you are identifying emotionally healthy people, the risk is more times than not going to pay off.

3)    Start therapy. A therapist can help you walk through this process.  Therapists are great people to practice having a secure relationship as you practice being vulnerable and trusting another person. Attachment focused therapists are skilled in understanding the dynamics of your attachment styles and can also provide you with new skills and ways of thinking about yourself and others that can be helpful for your healing journey.  

While attachment related behaviors and patterns can put strain on relationships, attachment styles can change. If you relate to any of the anxious attachment characteristics perhaps working in therapy could be helpful in healing wounds and patterns that interfere with your self-esteem and your relationships. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist to start on your path towards healing your attachment wounds!

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma.

Gaslighting in Relationships: Five Signs of Gaslighting & What to Do If It’s Happening to You

Five Signs of Gaslighting and What to Do If It’s Happening to You

Nobody expects that gaslighting, a form of coercive control, will happen to them, but the reality is that this type of covert emotional abuse is fairly common and sometimes difficult to detect.

Read more to learn signs to look out for.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which manipulation is used to gain power and control over someone. The gaslighter works to create uncertainty and doubt in the other person, often to the point that the person being gaslit has a hard time distinguishing what is the truth and what is not. “Gaslighting” gets its name from the 1938 play (and then movie), “Gas Light” in which a husband manipulates his wife until she thinks she is going “crazy”.

Gaslighting usually occurs slowly over time and leads to the victim feeling uncertain about their feelings/thoughts/opinions, they question their judgment and their reality. It can lead the victim to question their memories and perception of reality. Ultimately, gaslighting affects the victim’s self-esteem and confidence, and cause confusion about one’s identity and mental stability.

The relationship with a gaslighter often begins with love bombing and personal disclosures early on. This creates the feeling of trust being built very quickly in the relationship and leads to the manipulation phase of the abuse.

Signs of Gaslighting: 

1)    Lying and Denying: the gaslighter make start with small lies, but this typically escalates quickly. The gaslighter eventually lies about many things and will often accuse the victim of lying as well. The gaslighter will sometimes tell the victim’s friends and family that the victim is lying and will try to create disconnect in the victim’s relationships. They may also tell the victim that their friends or family members or others are lying to them to create separation, doubt, and confusion. They will often continue to lie even when they are confronted (even with proof!), they will often deny things every happened which can lead to the victim starting to doubt their own memory.

2)    Blame: The gaslighter will not take accountability for the things they are called out for. They will often point the finger back at the accuser or at others. They will twist the confrontation around in a way that leaves the victim feeling like maybe they were the one who did something wrong.

3)    Rewriting History: Gaslighters will often tell a different story about what has happened in the past in a way that favors the gaslighter or does not favor the victim. For example, after a fight in the car your partner yells at you to get out of the car and leaves you on the side of the road to walk home, only to later say that you forced your way out of the car despite their resistance. This leads to the victim questioning their memory and reality.

4)    Trivializing: The gaslighting minimizes the victim’s feelings and thoughts, saying things like “you’re being crazy” or “you’re being too sensitive or dramatic”. This leads to feelings of invalidation and dismissal and can lead to questioning one’s feelings and thoughts over times.

5)    Discrediting: The gaslighter spreads rumors about the victim to isolate them from others.

What to do if gaslighting is happening:

1)    Get some distance from the relationship. Often taking space from the gaslighter helps you to feel more confident in what you are thinking and feeling. Talking to others about what is happening is helpful as well.

2)    Stay firm in your knowledge of events: Gaslighters often seek to create doubt in your memory, feelings, and thoughts. You can say things like:

• ·“I guess we remember that differently and I do not want to keep arguing about the details.”

• “My feelings are valid, and I don’t appreciate your dismissing them by saying I’m being dramatic.”

• “I know what I experienced/saw/felt. Please don’t correct me on this.”

• “It makes sense that I have an emotional reaction to this situation, I am not being overly sensitive.”

3)    Do not isolate: Remember, gaslighters love to isolate—this helps them maintain control. Surrounding yourself with others that care about you and being open with them about what is happening is very helpful. Your support system can also help ground you and strengthen your knowledge to help you not feel so much doubt.

4)    Write down what you know as truth and revisit that if you begin to doubt your version of event. Collecting evidence (screenshots, pictures, journaling/notes, etc) can help you to feel confident when being questioned as well.

5)    Seek Therapy: Talking to a professional is a good idea when gaslighting may be occurring. Therapists can help you identify the abuse and help you rebuild your self-confidence and strength.

Summary:

Gaslighting can be difficult to detect at times and can make you feel like you’re going crazy or ike you are the problem—but that’s not true. It is okay to leave a relationship that is making you question your reality and to be honest with yourself that your needs may never be met in this relationship. Leaning on your support system during this time can be extremely helpful in grieving the relationship.

If you think you may be experiencing gaslighting, connect with a therapist to learn more and to make a plan of action for how to protect yourself. Colorado residents can click here to request a free 15-minute consultation call to get started working together!

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. CO residents can click here to request a 15-minute consultation call to get started working together!

The Way You Talk to Yourself Really Matters—Here’s How to Start Being Kind to Yourself!

The Way You Talk to Yourself Really Matters—Here’s How to Start Being Kind to Yourself!

“Of course, you forgot again! You always forget, you’re so dumb.”

“Omg, look how gross the circles under your eyes look.”

“You aren’t doing a good job at work.”

“You were such a bad mom today.”

“Everyone else has it together, why don’t you?”

Sound like something you’d say to someone else? … probably not! Unfortunately, many of us don’t realize we talk to ourselves like this all day long.  

Imagine if we said these things to other people? Think of the hurt we’d cause others, how deflated people around us would feel! We’d literally have no friends. Yet so many of us have a constant stream of critical, hurtful commentary running in our heads throughout the entire day.

Why do we treat ourselves likes this?  There are a few reasons. Some people are simply unaware of their self-talk or have never really paid attention. It’s also easy to adopt hurtful voices from people in our lives or from the greater culture. Some people also believe that being tough on themselves will help keep them disciplined or motivated. While some people may feel that critical self-talk helps motivate them toward improvement or productivity, research suggests that kind, compassionate self-talk is more motivating and helpful and increases feelings of happiness and gratitude.

Here’s why self-talk is so important. When we tell ourselves something repeatedly, we start to believe it. Then our brains, being wired to seek out patterns, look for evidence to supports our beliefs, even if there is evidence to the contrary—it’s called confirmation bias. So, for example, by telling myself “I am a terrible therapist”, I start to believe I am a terrible therapist, and then I look for “evidence” that supports that I am terrible therapist which only strengthens my belief that I am a terrible therapist. After a while, this belief becomes so deeply held that it is difficult to change, and my behaviors and emotions match my beliefs.

On the flip side, we can use the power of our self-talk to help create positive beliefs about ourselves. Think of my example above, but with positive language. Ex: I tell myself “I’m an effective therapist” repeatedly, and I start to really believe I am an effective therapist. Because I believe this to be true, my brain is on the lookout for and finds examples that support the belief that I am an effective therapist, and thus my belief is reinforced, and I feel positive and behave positively about my job.

This all sounds great, but sometimes it’s hard to be positive when it really feels like that’s not true. That’s okay! I’m not suggesting that it’s better to just pretend everything is fine and not acknowledge areas of growth or mistakes. However, the way you talk to yourself in those moments is of huge importance as well. Instead of shaming yourself for a mistake (“You’re such an idiot”) or being critical of your performance on something you’re working towards (“You’ll never figure this out”), think about how you would respond to an innocent child in these situations. It’s easier to imagine kind language when we think of speaking to a child because most of us have a sense of compassion for children. Rather than saying, “you’re such an idiot!” you may say something like, “It’s okay, mistakes happen, but we can learn from this.” And instead of, “You’ll never figure this out”, you could say, “Just one step at a time, you’re learning”.

Again, when we repeat these kind, compassionate phrases over and over again, we start to believe them, we look for evidence to support them, and we feel and behave in response to them. Think of the contrast between the examples I’ve given of the negative self-talk statements and the positive self-talk statements and consider how each statement makes you feel. There is likely quite a difference in emotional states brought on by each statement.

Practice pausing throughout the day and notice your self-talk. Ask yourself: Would I speak to anyone else this way? What would I say to a child in this situation? With consistent practice of being aware of your self talk and replacing negative statements with compassionate statements, you can transform your self-talk. Kind and compassionate self-talk can become your default inner voice.  Changing the way you speak to yourself truly can change your life! What’s stopping you from adopting a compassionate inner voice?

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. Reach out to me at hannah@hannahdorshercounseling.com to inquire about working together!

How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

Attachment styles are developed based on the types of interactions we had with our early caregivers. Caregivers who were consistent and mostly accurate in meeting our needs helped us to form a secure attachment. Caregivers who struggled to meet our needs likely laid the foundation for an insecure attachment style.

Without any effort, our attachment styles usually stay consistent throughout the course of our lives; however, attachment styles are not permanent. Luckily, our brains can rewire pathways with the right kinds of experiences and attention. Basically, you can turn an insecure attachment style into a secure attachment style.

This article discusses what attachment styles are and how we can work towards achieving a secure attachment style.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and feelings we experience and exhibit in relationships with others. There are four main attachment styes: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and fearful-avoidant (or disorganized) attachment.

This theory was first proposed by doctors Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby in the 50’s. They recognized that attachment styles are created in infancy and early childhood based on experiences with early primary caregivers. Our attachment styles influence the way we interact with others and the way we respond—emotionally and behaviorally-- when in relationship with partners.

Secure Attachment: Research estimates that a little over 50% of the population is securely attached, according to Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A., authors of “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love”. Securely attachment individuals tend to feel at ease with intimacy, feel safe in connection with others, and are usually warm and loving. These individuals enjoy being close and are not overly sensitive to rejection. They tend to be straightforward communicators and can handle conflict in a without being overly dramatic or reactive.

Anxious Attachment: Approximately 20% of the population is anxiously attached (Levine & Heller, 2010). Anxiously attached individuals also desire intimacy but are extremely sensitive to perceived abandonment or lack of closeness. When they sense a threat to closeness, they often act out dramatically due to their lacking appropriate communication skills. Without a very calm, nurturing, and patient response from a partner, an anxiously attached person will feel amplified distress and will likely amplify acting out as a way of expressing their anxiety or fear of the loss of connection.

Avoidant Attachment: Around 25% of the population is avoidantly attached (Levine & Heller, 2010). Avoidantly attached individuals do have a need for intimacy; however, they are likely to feel smothered by closeness. One of their main desires is independence and they often pull away frequently from their partners. Rather than having direct communication, they are likely to avoid heavy conversations and distance themselves from the relationship when conflict occurs.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: It’s likely that 3-5% of the population has a fearful-avoidant attachment style (Levine & Heller, 2010).  People with this attachment vacillate between a combination of intense anxious and avoidant behaviors. They tend to have very unstable relationships with intense, and sometimes violent, behaviors.

How are attachment styles developed?

Our early caregiving experiences shape our attachment style, which then affects the way we attach in our adult relationships. For example, a caregiver who was sometimes attentive and present to their infant’s needs, but other times absent tends to create a sense for the infant that other people cannot relied on to get their needs met because they are unpredictable. An infant may respond to this type of situation by becoming very anxious and cling to their caregivers in the attempt to draw in closeness from a caregiver, despite not trusting them.

Alternatively, caregiver that become irritated or angry when a child shows emotions or that ignores their child’s cries or cues of distress, tend to cause the child to pull away, indicating a sense of understanding that no matter what they do their caregiver will not meet their needs. They tend to develop a very early sense of independence and a “swallowing” of emotions.

Finally, if a caregiver is erratic, abusive, and chaotic—sometimes exhibiting big shows of love, other times being completely absent or neglectful, or being extremely angry or aggressive, a child will likely develop a sense of fear and mistrust towards their caregiver. They may desire closeness with their caregiver, but when they get close, they notice a sense of fear and pull away or act out.  

So how can you change your attachment style?

We can change our attachment styles and overcome some of the struggles in relationships that occur as a result. Here are some of the steps to healing your attachment styles:

1)    Examine your past. By reflecting on your early experience and your relationship history, you can get a deeper sense of understanding about how you tend to behave in relationships and why this is the case. It can sometimes to be helpful to make a relationship timeline and look at the quality of attachments in each of the main relationships listed on your timeline. Think about how you felt in the relationships, how you behaved in the relationships and whether this seems to fall in line with your identified attachment style. It is also important to pay attention to the emotions that come up with you think about your early childhood caregiver experiences.

2)    Identify the “story” you hold about yourself and work to change it if necessary. Attachment wounds can affect self-esteem and beliefs about yourself. Identify how you feel and think about yourself and work to change unhelpful beliefs. For example, if you have a belief that you are unlovable, that will directly affect your relationships. You may need to work on letting go of these beliefs about yourself and creating new, more helpful beliefs.

3)    Learn your attachment triggers and reaction, and practice new skills. Think about your past relationship and identify the triggers to your attachment behavior. Note what emotions you were feeling when triggered and the behavior that followed. For instance: perhaps every time your partner was even slightly late without calling, you felt extremely anxious and called them repeatedly until they answered and then reacted angrily. This gives you a starting point for where you may need to improve your emotion regulation skills. Rather than calling repeatedly and becoming angry, you could work on self-soothing strategies and communication skills to share why their being late bothered you.

4)    Learn to identify securely attached people. Being in relationship with securely attached individuals can help you to change your behaviors as well. Practice opening yourself up to trust a securely attached friend, family member, or partner. Over time, this can help you learn that some people can be trusted, and intimacy can be safe and stable. This may feel like taking a risk, but if you are identifying emotionally healthy people, the risk is more times than not going to pay off.

5)    Start therapy. A therapist can help you walk through this process.  Therapists are great people to practice having a secure relationship as you practice being vulnerable and trusting another person. Attachment focused therapists are skilled in understanding the dynamics of your attachment styles and can also provide you with new skills and ways of thinking about yourself and others that can be helpful for your healing journey.  

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist to start on your path towards healing your attachment wounds. Attachment styles are not permanent!

References

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find--and keep--love . Jeremy P. Tarcher, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc..

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma.

4 Ways to Break Toxic Relationship Patterns

Breaking Toxic Relationship Patterns 101

So you have found yourself single once again…. Or maybe you find yourself in a relationship that you just know isn’t healthy—the bad times outweigh the good significantly—and you know that there is an expiration date on the relationship—It’s just a matter of time. You may be thinking, “why does this keep happening to me,” “why can’t I seem to ever have a happy, healthy relationship!”.

            It’s not uncommon for people to have a pattern of unhealthy relationships. Having a history of unhealthy relationships is problematic in that it creates a feedback loop for the individual in the relationships—meaning that we tend to start creating stories about ourselves, about others, and about relationships based on our experiences. For example, if you have been cheated on, the story your brain may create could be something along the lines of  “it is stupid to trust people” or “I am not good enough”.

Our stories affect how we participate in the world going forward—especially the dating world. The way you feel about yourself influences who you are attracted to, your behaviors in a relationship, and even the behaviors you will tolerate (or won’t tolerate) in a relationship—we tend to attract people with similar levels of health. An unhealthy relationship can contribute to further damage to self-worth, which then goes on to influences the type of relationships we participate in. If the cycle is allowed to continue, the negative stories are reinforced even more (ex: “see, I really am not good enough because here am I getting cheated on AGAIN”). Or we may even sabotage what could be a healthy relationship (it’s easy to create conflict when you have a hard time trusting your partner which could lead to the end of the relationship). And the cycle goes on.

            So, how do we break this cycle and elevate the health of our relationships and ourselves? We need to change our stories. Simple, right? Conceptually yes, but in real life this takes a little time and consistent practice. Here are a few things you can do to change the stories that may be keeping you stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns.

1)   Identify the stories that you hold about others, about yourself, and about relationships. You can do this by considering the common phrases in your self-talk—the internal dialogue that is probably running continuously in your head. Start by writing these down in your notes section in your phone, or in a notebook for a few days. Just notice which phrases come up frequently. They may be “I am” statements (“I’m such an idiot”); they may be commentary about others (“people are liars”) or about relationships in general (“relationships just never last”). Once you have identified some of your common themes you can start to rewrite your stories.

2)   Question the story. Once you have written your main stories down, take a good hard look at each of them and ask yourself where this story came from? Which experiences created this story? Ask yourself “is this story completely, unquestionably true”… it probably isn’t. For example—is it 100% true that ALL relationships never last? No, obviously this is not true 100% of the time. When we start to questions are stories we poke holes in them and can start to loosen their foothold in our brains.

3)   Ask yourself what a person who has healthy thoughts about themselves and relationships would think in this situation. Think of a person you know or can imagine that has high self-esteem and has had healthy relationships and think about how they would think and act in a given situation. For example: if you find yourself thinking you are not good enough for a healthy relationship, stop and think what would a person with healthy thoughts about themselves think and do in the situation?

4)   Create compassion for yourself. These stories rarely just develop out of nowhere—they often find their genesis in the wake of traumatic experiences. Compassion is important in fostering self-love. A good first step is just to say a few compassionate phrases out loud to yourself each day, or whenever you notice yourself thinking something unhelpful. An example may be something as simple as, “I am worthy of love” or “I am doing the best I can right now”.

It may also be time to work through these patterns in therapy. Therapists can offer an objective view, helpful insight, and will gently challenge thoughts and behaviors that may be holding you back. You deserve happy, healthy, fun, fulfilling relationships, often times this starts with a healthy, happy YOU!

Colorado residents can click the button below to contact Hannah Dorsher to schedule an appointment today.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAC I is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma.