Gaslighting in Relationships: Five Signs of Gaslighting & What to Do If It’s Happening to You
Five Signs of Gaslighting and What to Do If It’s Happening to You
Nobody expects that gaslighting, a form of coercive control, will happen to them, but the reality is that this type of covert emotional abuse is fairly common and sometimes difficult to detect.
Read more to learn signs to look out for.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which manipulation is used to gain power and control over someone. The gaslighter works to create uncertainty and doubt in the other person, often to the point that the person being gaslit has a hard time distinguishing what is the truth and what is not. “Gaslighting” gets its name from the 1938 play (and then movie), “Gas Light” in which a husband manipulates his wife until she thinks she is going “crazy”.
Gaslighting usually occurs slowly over time and leads to the victim feeling uncertain about their feelings/thoughts/opinions, they question their judgment and their reality. It can lead the victim to question their memories and perception of reality. Ultimately, gaslighting affects the victim’s self-esteem and confidence, and cause confusion about one’s identity and mental stability.
The relationship with a gaslighter often begins with love bombing and personal disclosures early on. This creates the feeling of trust being built very quickly in the relationship and leads to the manipulation phase of the abuse.
Signs of Gaslighting:
1) Lying and Denying: the gaslighter make start with small lies, but this typically escalates quickly. The gaslighter eventually lies about many things and will often accuse the victim of lying as well. The gaslighter will sometimes tell the victim’s friends and family that the victim is lying and will try to create disconnect in the victim’s relationships. They may also tell the victim that their friends or family members or others are lying to them to create separation, doubt, and confusion. They will often continue to lie even when they are confronted (even with proof!), they will often deny things every happened which can lead to the victim starting to doubt their own memory.
2) Blame: The gaslighter will not take accountability for the things they are called out for. They will often point the finger back at the accuser or at others. They will twist the confrontation around in a way that leaves the victim feeling like maybe they were the one who did something wrong.
3) Rewriting History: Gaslighters will often tell a different story about what has happened in the past in a way that favors the gaslighter or does not favor the victim. For example, after a fight in the car your partner yells at you to get out of the car and leaves you on the side of the road to walk home, only to later say that you forced your way out of the car despite their resistance. This leads to the victim questioning their memory and reality.
4) Trivializing: The gaslighting minimizes the victim’s feelings and thoughts, saying things like “you’re being crazy” or “you’re being too sensitive or dramatic”. This leads to feelings of invalidation and dismissal and can lead to questioning one’s feelings and thoughts over times.
5) Discrediting: The gaslighter spreads rumors about the victim to isolate them from others.
What to do if gaslighting is happening:
1) Get some distance from the relationship. Often taking space from the gaslighter helps you to feel more confident in what you are thinking and feeling. Talking to others about what is happening is helpful as well.
2) Stay firm in your knowledge of events: Gaslighters often seek to create doubt in your memory, feelings, and thoughts. You can say things like:
·“I guess we remember that differently and I do not want to keep arguing about the details.”
“My feelings are valid, and I don’t appreciate your dismissing them by saying I’m being dramatic.”
“I know what I experienced/saw/felt. Please don’t correct me on this.”
“It makes sense that I have an emotional reaction to this situation, I am not being overly sensitive.”
3) Do not isolate: Remember, gaslighters love to isolate—this helps them maintain control. Surrounding yourself with others that care about you and being open with them about what is happening is very helpful. Your support system can also help ground you and strengthen your knowledge to help you not feel so much doubt.
4) Write down what you know as truth and revisit that if you begin to doubt your version of event. Collecting evidence (screenshots, pictures, journaling/notes, etc) can help you to feel confident when being questioned as well.
5) Seek Therapy: Talking to a professional is a good idea when gaslighting may be occurring. Therapists can help you identify the abuse and help you rebuild your self-confidence and strength.
Summary:
Gaslighting can be difficult to detect at times and can make you feel like you’re going crazy or ike you are the problem—but that’s not true. It is okay to leave a relationship that is making you question your reality and to be honest with yourself that your needs may never be met in this relationship. Leaning on your support system during this time can be extremely helpful in grieving the relationship.
If you think you may be experiencing gaslighting, connect with a therapist to learn more and to make a plan of action for how to protect yourself. Colorado residents can click here to request a free 15-minute consultation call to get started working together!
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. CO residents can click here to request a 15-minute consultation call to get started working together!
