Building Secure Attachment Styles in Children

Building Secure Attachment Styles in Children 

As a parent, you want your baby to feel safe, loved, and ready to take on the world. Developing a secure attachment lays the foundation. When you respond reliably, it teaches your child that they can depend on you when distressed. This shapes their brain, emotional skills, and how they relate to others now and into adulthood.

But what if you don't always get it "right"? Will your child be doomed? Let's talk about secure attachment in kids, how to foster it, and why being a "good enough" caregiver matters most.

Why Does Secure Attachment in Children Matter? 

Attachment refers to the connection built through consistent care in the early years. Secure means the child trusts you'll meet their needs with warmth. Insecure is when parents seem unavailable, rejecting, or anxious. One makes kids feel safe—the other...not so much.

Studies show kids with secure attachment have better impulse control, cope with stress more easily, and carry confidence into relationships and schooling. They are also less likely to internalize issues like anxiety and depression and externalize behaviors like acting out. As a result of this and other factors, children with secure attachment styles are more likely to have better mental health outcomes throughout their lives. 

On the other hand, insecure attachment can negatively impact development in areas like behavior, emotional skills, and poor boundaries with others. So yeah, it's kind of a big deal! The great news is that there are ways to nurture secure bonds even if you had an unstable childhood. 

Signs of an Insecure Bond

Caregivers play a crucial role in shaping their children's attachment styles, significantly impacting their emotional and interpersonal well-being throughout life. For example, if your tiny human frequently seems terrified when you leave, wants to be held 24/7, or freaks out when plans change, they may struggle with attachment anxiety. This often happens when parents hover but then check out emotionally. The inconsistency is unsettling. If your own anxiety kicks in around parenting, it likely reads as unreliable and untrusting to them, which can affect their sense of trust in the people and world around them.

How to Build Secure Attachment Styles in Children

The best way to foster secure attachment styles in children is to help them feel secure by offering connected, responsive care. Here are some practical ways to build a secure attachment style in your kids:

• Be reliable in meeting needs and promises. Hunger, hugs, playtime. If you say you'll read three books before bed, follow through.

Consistently meeting a child's physical and emotional needs builds a sense of security and trust. When children can count on their caregivers for consistency in basic necessities, emotional support, and even scheduling, it fosters a strong foundation for a secure attachment. 

• Comfort them when they're upset in a warm, soothing way. Teach coping skills, too, like deep breathing or hugging a stuffed animal.

Providing comfort in distress helps children regulate their emotions and develop a secure base. Teaching coping skills further empowers them to manage their feelings, contributing to emotional resilience.

• Respect their quest for independence as they grow. As your child starts taking on more responsibilities, like getting themselves ready for school, allow them the space to navigate their morning routine independently.

While your instinct might be to intervene, showing respect for their growing autonomy reinforces their confidence and independence and fosters a secure attachment by acknowledging their ability to handle new challenges.

• Give plenty of affection along with maintaining gentle boundaries. Think regular snuggles but not letting them sleep in your bed at age 8.

Balancing affection with boundaries creates a secure and predictable environment. Regular affection reinforces emotional connection while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries helps children understand limits and develop a sense of safety.

• Keep discipline, tone of voice, and routine consistent. The same tantrum gets the same sequence of warning, time out, and then reconciliation talk.

Consistent discipline and routine provide a structured environment that helps children feel secure. Predictable consequences for actions, a consistent tone of voice, and routine sequences contribute to stable and reliable caregiving.

• Listen attentively when they speak to you. Make eye contact, paraphrase what you hear, and empathize with their feelings.

Attentive listening communicates that a child's thoughts and feelings are valued, enhancing communication and strengthening the connection between caregiver and child.

• Play in ways that foster imagination, creativity, and confidence. Let them take the lead, be silly, and get comfortable taking risks.

Play is crucial for emotional expression, learning, and strengthening the bond between caregivers and children.

• Helping them handle upsets through emotional labeling: When your child is upset, help them put their feelings into words. For example, if they're angry, they might say, "I'm mad because my friend took my toy without asking."

Teaching children emotional intelligence helps them understand and manage their emotions. By providing tools like emotional labeling and role-playing, caregivers empower children to navigate social interactions and express themselves, contributing to a secure attachment.

Why "Good Enough" Parenting is Enough

The key to creating secure attachment in children is to make them feel safe opening up, soothed when distressed, and secure enough in your bond to explore life freely. This means finding a balance between comforting and allowing age-appropriate freedom. It's time to see yourself as their secure base - the anchor they can trust to return to after difficult feelings arise.

But what if, despite your efforts, you still don't get it right all the time? First, join the club! Perfection is impossible. The goal isn't mistake-free caregiving - it's continuing to show up, make amends, and rebuild bonds after conflicts happen or you lose your cool.

Research actually shows secure attachment happens when a parent gets it right about 50% of the time! Your child only needs you to be "good enough" - not perfect.

And get yourself support when you need it! Parenting is hard on good days. If your own anxiety or past issues get kicked up, attachment-based counseling can help you break cycles. There will be messy moments, but security can happen through a commitment to good enough. 

If you have concerns about insecure or anxious attachment impacting your child or parenting, please know help is available. I encourage you to schedule your free 15-minute consultation today. (Colorado and Florida residents only).

You can also get started healing your anxious attachment today by downloading my free guide: Anxious to Secure in Motherhood and Marriage here, or learn to regulate your emotions skillfully by downloading my free Emotion Regulation Skills Guide here.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!

Understanding the Impact of Anxious Attachment in Motherhood

Understanding the Impact of Anxious Attachment in Motherhood

From the moment you first saw that positive pregnancy test, the worries may have already started flooding your mind. Will I be a good mom? What if I can't soothe the baby when they cry? How will I protect my child from every imaginable danger in this big, bad world?

You had eagerly awaited motherhood yet still found yourself unexpectedly plunged into anxiety. If this resonates at all, know that you're not alone. Let's explore how having an anxious attachment style can unexpectedly impact motherhood and practical ways to manage the challenges with self-compassion.

What is Anxious Attachment and Why Does it Develop?

Anxious attachment is an emotional regulation style rooted in childhood. Those with an anxious attachment tend to be highly sensitive and emotionally reactive. They deeply desire close relationships but also feel insecure and fearful of rejection.

Anxious attachment typically stems from inconsistent nurturing in early childhood. If your primary caregivers were sometimes there for you, but other times they were absent or inconsistent, it can leave you with a deep-seated fear of being abandoned. Unfortunately, this fear can stick with you into adulthood, even if your current circumstances don't justify it. So, if you find yourself feeling anxious in motherhood and relationships, it's not your fault. It's just that early nurturing might have left you with some lingering uncertainties.

How and Why Anxious Attachment Issues Crop Up in Motherhood

If you're a mom with an underlying anxious attachment style, it can catch you off guard by intensifying in new ways:

Intense Worries About Meeting Your Child's Needs: You may constantly second-guess your ability to properly nurture, soothe, and support your child's development. This often stems from a deeply rooted fear of failing those who are reliant on you in the way you may have felt failed as a child. If left unaddressed, this can contribute to missing developmental cues from your child and struggling to attune to their needs.

Difficulty Tolerating Cries: Your baby's cries might fill you with self-blame and painful distress vs. merely signaling your little one's unmet needs. This reflects core fears of rejection after a lifetime of feeling unsafe expressing your own needs and emotions. Over time, always being on high alert for cries can deplete your reserves, leaving minimal patience for responding sensitively.

Hypervigilance About Safety: You may exhaust yourself trying to prevent any imaginable danger that stems from an inability to tolerate feelings of vulnerability. Despite best efforts, no one can ever make life completely risk-free. The futile attempt to do so can become all-consuming, limiting your child's opportunities to explore, take risks, and build resilience.

Losing Yourself and Feeling Overwhelmed: Balancing motherhood and personal identity can uncover unresolved issues of self-worth stemming from emotional neglect in childhood. In order to avoid burnout and consistently and compassionately care for your little one, it's crucial to refuel by addressing your own needs.

Fear of Judgment: Every perceived judging look or comment from friends or family about your child's development can feel like criticism directed at your inherent worthiness and abilities as a mother. Pre-existing worries amplify shame, leaving you feeling under constant scrutiny. Over time, strain on these relationships can lead to isolation and reluctance to seek support.

Difficulty Trusting Childcare Help: Being there for your child is important, but you can't do all of it alone. Allowing others to help can give your child valuable experiences and help them connect with others, build confidence, and grow.

Of course, no mother escapes occasional bouts of parental anxiety. But those with anxious attachment often endure this intensity of worry far more frequently, which can, in turn, impact kids. Research shows anxious parenting correlates to anxious children. But when mothers feel secure within themselves, children intuitively build their own sense of emotional safety and trust.

The good news is that awareness of your attachment tendencies, including thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, is the first step. From here, you can learn new strategies to quiet the anxious mind - not just to get through those early years of parenthood but to show up fully present for your child's whole journey.

Strategies for Coping with Anxious Attachment in Motherhood

As an anxiously attached mother myself, I've learned coping strategies that help minimize angst and show up more fully present:

Seek understanding and compassion. Recognize these common struggles as wired-in sensitivity vs. personal failure or weakness.

Enlist support systems. New mom groups, nannies, friends, family, and therapy can all help reality-check worries.

Prioritize self-care. Carve out small pockets of space for sleep, nutritious meals, movement, and fun amidst mom chaos.

Cultivate emotional regulation skills. Practice mindfulness, deep breathing, journaling, etc., to manage difficult emotions when triggered.

Set healthy boundaries with your child. As a mother with an anxious attachment, it's especially difficult to balance your and your child's needs. Put aside regular alone time to recharge, and remember that it's okay for your child to develop independence and self-soothing skills, too.

Let go of judging yourself and others. Compassion for the universal challenges of motherhood is freeing.

Stay grounded in your values and hopes as a parent. Allow your values and priorities to guide you; let your focus on what matters steer you from getting lost in the anxiety maze.

Every Day is a New Day

The transition to motherhood stirs up intense emotions for everyone. But for those with an anxious attachment style, it can be especially overwhelming and filled with self-doubt. That's why getting support tailored to your unique needs matters so much for you and your little one.

Even small steps toward understanding yourself and your attachment style can start ripples of positive change for your family. And remember, Mom, you are not just "anxious;" you are a sensitive, caring soul walking your own path. Stay faithful that all the effort you pour into raising babies rooted first and foremost in unconditional love will sustain them well throughout life.

If aspects of this anxious motherhood journey resonate and you want specialized care in addressing anxious attachment patterns, I encourage you to schedule your free 15-minute consultation today. (Colorado and Florida residents only).

You can also get started healing your anxious attachment today by downloading my free guide: Anxious to Secure in Motherhood and Marriage here, or learn to regulate your emotions skillfully by downloading my free Emotion Regulation Skills Guide here.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!

Nurturing Secure Bonds: How Anxious Attachment Impacts Your Marriage and Ways to Minimize Its Impact

The worry starts as a small knot in your stomach when your spouse seems distant. Then it grows into full-blown panic, convinced they will leave you. The highs are so high, but the lows leave you devastated. You obsess about every text, every absent kiss. Your emotions spiral out of control despite your best efforts. You know your reactions only push your partner away, but you feel powerless to stop them.

You desperately long for unbreakable bonds of love and security, but your patterns keep sabotaging it. It hurts. You feel like something is deeply wrong with you. But the truth is, your reactions make total sense based on your experiences. With compassion for yourself and some new relational skills, you can minimize an anxious attachment style's impact on your marriage. You deserve to feel secure. Let's walk through this together.

The Impact of Anxious Attachment on Marriage

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might feel like the fear of abandonment is always looming over you. It can seem like your partner leaving you is a constant possibility, even if there are no signs of it happening. That's why you may crave constant validation, like hearing "I love you" or being held in an embrace. But the thing is, this need for constant reassurance can put a strain on your relationship.

Your partner may start feeling like they're not doing enough to make you feel secure and can become resentful over time. Additionally, you may find yourself overthinking or worrying excessively over small issues or perceived rejections, feeling overwhelmed by anything from missed phone calls to canceled plans.

Communication, which is key in healthy marriages, can be particularly difficult in anxious attachment marriages. Anxious attachers who struggle to discuss their emotions, anxieties, and needs may avoid vulnerability, fearing rejection or abandonment. This makes it harder for their partner to understand their emotions and respond appropriately, leading to frequent misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional reactions that erode trust and communication over time.

Furthermore, when your anxieties get triggered, you may feel like you're in a state of emotional turmoil, with heightened anger, sadness, or anxiety. Managing conflicts and resolving issues can also grow more difficult, as struggles to regulate emotions lead to engagement in repetitive behaviors like clinginess, jealousy, or hypervigilance. In some cases, the impact of anxious attachment may extend to parenting, potentially shaping their children's emotional well-being and relationship behaviors.

 Ultimately, anxious attachment significantly impacts overall relationship satisfaction over time. The constant need for reassurance and emotional fluctuations can lead to feelings of unhappiness and unfulfillment, hindering the growth and development of the marriage. If left unaddressed, these patterns can cause long-term damage to the relationship. But by addressing these impacts of anxious attachment on marriage, individuals and couples can better understand their challenges and work towards creating a more secure and fulfilling relationship.

Nurturing Secure Attachment in Your Marriage

While anxious attachment presents challenges, with understanding and effort, you can minimize its impact and nurture more security.

Recognizing Your Attachment Style: To initiate change in your attachment style and its impact on your marriage, start by gaining self-awareness about how it shapes your relational dynamics. Reflect on questions like, "Do I often fear abandonment?" or "Am I overly dependent on my partner's reassurance?"

Identifying Triggers and Patterns: Uncover the specific situations or interactions in your relationship that trigger your anxious attachment tendencies. Notice recurring themes, like perceived distance or ambiguous communication, to better understand and navigate your reactions.

Expressing Needs and Fears: Foster emotional intimacy by openly sharing your attachment-related needs, thoughts, and fears with your partner. This vulnerability provides insight into your world and helps them offer support and appropriate reassurance.

 Active Listening: Effective communication goes both ways. Actively listen to your partner's experiences and emotions to build empathy and trust, creating a healthy attachment environment. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries: One of the biggest struggles for anxious attachment is setting healthy boundaries in relationships. But the more you practice setting and maintaining comforting boundaries that prevent emotional overwhelm without feeling guilty, the more you'll understand that boundaries are not walls but bridges to healthier connections.

 Prioritizing Self-Care & Self-Love: Avoid neglecting your needs to put your partner first, as it reinforces unhealthy patterns. Prioritize self-care to reduce stress and communicate to yourself the validity of your needs.

 Self-Soothing & Mindfulness: Harness self-soothing techniques like deep breathing or grounding exercises to gain control over emotional reactions. Practice mindfulness to recognize and choose healthier responses to attachment triggers.

 Coregulation: Embrace coregulation, a powerful attachment concept, by calming an activated nervous system through shared calmness, active listening, physical touch, and non-verbal warmth. Let your partner's regulated presence soothe your distress.

 It's essential to understand that anxious attachment doesn't define you or your ability to have a healthy relationship. It's a pattern that can be understood, addressed, and worked through with your partner – but it all starts with you.

Therapy for Anxious Attachment in Marriage

Anxious attachment is an understandable response to unreliable early relationships. But if you struggle with an anxious attachment style, attachment-based therapy is a powerful option to improve your marriage.

Attachment-based therapy starts with increased self-awareness, allowing you to understand the origins of your attachment style and how it impacts your relationship behavior. You'll learn coping skills to manage anxiety and insecurity through techniques like mindfulness and self-soothing. Through this process, your self-esteem and self-compassion will increase,  leading to a more secure sense of self and reducing the need for constant reassurance from your spouse.

What's really impactful about this therapy is the therapeutic relationship you develop with your therapist. This relationship offers a secure base for healing attachment wounds and experiencing healthy attachment dynamics. You'll develop trust and feel secure, which can translate to other relationships, including marriage. Ultimately, you'll gain the tools and insights to navigate your attachment style and build a healthier, more fulfilling marriage.

So, if you want to improve your marriage and heal from attachment wounds, try attachment-based therapy! Seek support from me at Hannah Dorsher Counseling in Florida or Colorado. You can also download my FREE 4 Steps to Go From Anxious to Secure Attachment Guide here and get started now. With time, effort, and commitment, you can minimize the impact of anxious attachment on your marriage and cultivate a secure and loving marriage.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!

Understanding Protest Behavior in Anxious Attachment

Understanding Protest Behavior in Anxious Attachment

We all get a little anxious in relationships sometimes. You may overanalyze a text, worry when plans change unexpectedly, or even panic if your partner seems distant. But for some, relationship anxiety manifests in protest behavior - exaggerated reactions driven by fear of abandonment.

Those with an anxious attachment style are more prone to these outbursts. Their deep-rooted worries around separation or abandonment lead them to perceive threats that aren't there. People with anxious attachment also commonly struggle with skillful or direct communication. Thus, their go-to coping mechanism becomes protest behavior intended to regain their partner's attention and affection. 

If this dynamic resonates with you, don't feel ashamed. By understanding protest behavior, you can gain awareness of your actions and learn healthier coping strategies. Let's explore what drives protest behavior, examples, the dangers, and most importantly - how to manage anxiety and avoid protest reactions.

What is Protest Behavior?

Protest behavior originates in attachment theory, which describes how our earliest caretaker bonds shape our expectations and behaviors in future relationships. Individuals with inconsistent or negligent caregivers often develop anxious attachment styles - a fear that others will not adequately meet their needs. 

To cope with this anxiety, they unconsciously engage in protest behavior. As infants, crying or clinging to a caregiver ensures proximity and survival, but when this need for nurturing caregiver is not met the infants learns that their needs don’t matter and that people are not dependable—leading to an anxious attachment style.  As adults, this insecurity can manifest as exaggerated reactions to avoid real or imagined separation from our partners. These behaviors provoke increased contact, attention, and reassurance to alleviate anxiety temporarily—even if the contact it creates is conflict. This is a way that a person with anxious attachment can communicate “I need connection or reassurance” without communicating that directly or using emotional regulation skills.

What Does Protest Behavior Look Like?

When anxiously attached people sense emotional distance or feel insecure in their relationship, protest behavior is triggered. Have you ever engaged in any of these exaggerated reactions to regain your partner's attention and affection?

Testing the Relationship: Picking fights or provoking arguments by making comments that elicit a response. For example, "You didn't text me all day - you're obviously pulling away!". Sometimes, individuals with anxious attachment styles may intentionally accuse their partner of losing interest or caring less to provoke a reaction and gauge their level of commitment or love. 

Giving the silent treatment or other passive aggressive communication: Refusing to talk to their partner after their partner was late for date night, or saying things like, “I’m fine” with a tone that is clearly indicating that they’re not fine are great examples of protest behavior. The protestor in these situations is communication “between the lines” and testing their partner’s ability to speak this language. They may also be testing their partner to see how much effort their partner will put into figuring out why the protestor is upset.

Constant Texting or Calling: Bombarding a partner with constant texts or calls when they don't respond quickly enough. Have you ever called your partner 17 times because they didn't answer or asked for space? Anxiously attached individuals may excessively text or call their partner when they sense distance or a potential conflict, seeking constant connection and reassurance.

Making Threats: Making dramatic threats about ending the relationship. Saying things like, “well this isn’t working”.  An anxious attacher believes this will capture their concern and promote caretaking and reassurance.  

Exaggerated Emotional Responses: Sobbing or becoming enraged to elicit comfort, attention, and caretaking. Anxious attachers may react strongly to perceived relationship threats, such as minor disagreements, through emotional outbursts like crying, yelling, or visibly shutting down, hoping their partner will respond with comfort and reassurance.

Physically Clinging to a Partner: In attempts to avoid abandonment and maintain a connection, anxiously attached people may refuse their partner space when they pull away or seem distant. An anxious attacher may have strong desires for physical closeness, such as wanting to cuddle or hold hands; even when their partner is engaged in other activities, they may refuse to let go, follow them, or demand attention in other ways. 

Why is Protest Behavior Unhealthy? 

While protest behaviors provide momentary reassurance, they may sabotage your relationships without you realizing it. By seeking temporary relief in obtaining closeness, attention, and caregiving, you may be causing long-term damage. And that's not all - protest behavior can also be a major distraction from addressing the underlying attachment wounds driving your anxiety. The more you work to elicit engagement, the less motivation there is to get to the root of the problem.

Protest behavior ultimately damages relationships and becomes unhealthy for several reasons:

• Attention is rewarded for unhealthy behavior while inner wounds and underlying fears go unaddressed. Protest behaviors distract from inner work to develop a secure attachment.

• Frequent conflict creates instability and erodes intimacy over time.

• Partners feel manipulated, disrespected, or smothered when constantly provoked or clung to, which breeds resentment and strains romantic relationships over time.

• They reinforce anxious attachment. The more they successfully bring attention/contact, the more they are repeated. 

• They become the status quo. Insecurity feels familiar, so there is resistance to change. 

• Partners withdraw further in response to smothering behaviors, fueling more anxiety. 

Protest behaviors reflect justifiable needs for reassurance and closeness, but the more it successfully brings reassurance in the short term, the more ingrained and destructive the pattern becomes. What feels like coping only fuels deeper insecurity, causing long-term damage to one's relationships and overall mental health and self-esteem.

Healthier Coping Strategies for Anxious Attachment

If you recognize protest behaviors in yourself, take heart. There are healthier ways to cope with attachment anxiety:

Mindfulness - Notice rising anxiety before reacting. Catch protest behavior early and sit with the discomfort versus acting on it. 

 Communication - Be direct about your need for reassurance rather than provoking or assuming.

Distraction techniques - An anxious mind fixates. Redirect your thoughts if they spiral.

Self-soothing - Develop tools to calm your nervous system when anxious – like journaling, exercising, or calling a friend.

Therapeutic inner work - Explore the roots of attachment anxiety and reprogram reactions through attachment-based therapy.

From Protest Behavior to Acceptance: Finding True Security

 If you grew up in an environment that made you anxious about relationships, protest behavior comes from an understandable need for closeness. You're just trying to get reassurance and make sure your partner cares. The problem is that exaggerated reactions usually backfire - they push partners away rather than bring them closer long-term.

Change is hard, but breaking free from these destructive patterns is possible. If addressing attachment anxiety resonates, specialized counseling can help transform protest behaviors. Contact me at Hannah Dorsher Counseling for attachment-based therapy if you’re in Colorado or Florida. You deserve healthy, fulfilling relationships. But they start with you.

If you want to get started working on your anxious attachment style right now, check out my self-paced digital course: “Anxious to Secure—Healing Your Anxious Attachment” and get started now!

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist and Relationship & Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. Schedule a free therapy consultation call with me here (CO & FL only)! Check out my Attachment & Relationship Coaching website here for ways to work together. Check out my Anxious Attachment course: Anxious to Secure—Healing Your Anxious Attachment—here.

What’s Wrong with Me? Why Can’t I Find a Healthy Relationship?

What’s Wrong with Me? Why Can’t I Find a Healthy Relationship?

If you've grown up feeling insecure, unfulfilled, and disappointed in relationships, it can seem like there must be something wrong with you. Why is it that everyone else seems to find healthy and fulfilling connections — but for some reason, your attempts at lasting stability always fall apart?

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it may be time for a closer look at your attachment style. In this blog, we'll explore the challenges of attachment styles, focusing on anxious attachment to uncover how this attachment style can lead to unhelpful relationship choices and patterns.

Recognizing these attachment patterns will shed light on why destructive relationship patterns persist, empowering you to break free from the cycle and form healthy connections that are genuinely fulfilling and meaningful.

The Impact of Anxious Attachment

We all have relationship struggles and unique ways of forming emotional bonds with others, and our earliest experiences often shape these patterns.

If you were raised in an emotionally cold or inconsistent caregiver-child relationship, it could lead to difficulty trusting your partner to meet your needs for love, attention, and security. You may struggle to create secure and lasting relationships due to your insecurities or need for validation. This anxious attachment style often leads to behaviors rooted in fear, such as coming across as clingy, jealous, overly dependent, or possessive.

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

Attachment styles - whether secure, avoidant, or anxious - play an important role in shaping our adult relationships. For example, people with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and forming close relationships as they avoid emotional vulnerability and the discomfort of too much closeness.

On the other hand, an anxious attachment style is characterized by the fear of abandonment, seeking constant reassurance, and clinging desperately to relationships - even when they are unhealthy.

One of the most challenging relationship dynamics is when an anxiously attached person is paired with an avoidantly attached partner. This situation creates what is known as the anxious-avoidant trap.

In this trap, each person's attachment style triggers the other's insecurities and defense mechanisms, leading to a cycle of negative behaviors that increase anxiety and distance between them.

The anxiously attached person needs emotional closeness and reassurance from their partner. But the avoidantly attached partner – independent and self-reliant – often feels overwhelmed by this neediness, so they retreat and become emotionally distant. This behavior only increases the anxiety and attachment-seeking behavior of the anxiously attached partner; it becomes a loop of frustration, disappointment, and a truckload of "What's wrong with me?" and "Am I not enough?". This pattern creates a strong sense of instability and unease in the relationship, making it hard for either partner to feel secure or fulfilled.

Attraction to Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Anxiously attached people often find themselves drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, craving love and intimacy but feeling unable to truly connect with their partners. This can lead to a cycle of frustration and disappointment alongside feelings of rejection and inadequacy.

Now, let's talk about why these emotional chase scenes happen. The roots go back to childhood experiences of inconsistent or neglectful parenting, leading to insecurity and fear of abandonment.

Anxious attachers got used to the tune of being let down or ignored by the people who should have had their backs. So, they unintentionally hit replay by looking for partners who give off a similar vibe, finding comfort in the familiarity, even if the relationship itself sucks and is unsatisfying.

The problem with seeking out partners who resemble our caregivers in this sense is that it only reinforces anxious attachment behaviors, like remaining on edge, expecting the worst, and constantly seeking data to support their fears. This means that even when they find a secure and attentive partner, they may not be able to recognize them as such or fully trust them.

Fear of Healthy Relationships

Anxiously attached individuals often experience discomfort in the presence of secure and emotionally healthy partners. When you're used to relationships characterized by drama, insecurity, and inconsistency, you can see why adjusting to a different dynamic might be difficult.

For one, a healthy relationship's lack of intense highs and lows might be unsettling for someone used to dramatic relationship dynamics. If you grew up in an environment where conflict was commonplace, you might continue to thrive on the intense emotions of unhealthy relationships; therefore, you might view a healthy relationship as boring and uneventful.

Anxiously attached individuals often develop a belief that if a relationship isn't fueled by the emotional fire of fights, where conflict is misinterpreted as a sign of passion and love, then it isn't worth having. The discomfort and unfamiliarity can lead one to seek out emotionally unavailable partners, perpetuating the cycle of fear, resistance, and self-sabotage.

Breaking the Cycle of Anxious Attachment

If you've ever felt trapped in a cycle of emotional highs and lows or drawn to partners who seem emotionally distant, you're not alone. If this isn't the type of relationship experience you want, learning about anxious attachment styles could unlock a world of possibilities. Awareness of these patterns and the influence of attachment styles on your relationship choices is the first step toward cultivating more secure and fulfilling connections.

It's important to acknowledge that these patterns have deep roots, often stretching back to our earliest moments. The comfort found in what's familiar, even if it's not what we truly need, is a natural response–and no, there's nothing wrong with you. But the good news is you are capable of breaking free from this cycle.

Ready to take the next steps?

Seeking support is a smart choice. At Hannah Dorsher Counseling, I provide a safe space to understand your attachment style and its impact on your relationships as you learn to make intentional choices for healthier ones. Through attachment-based therapy centered on awareness, trust, and secure attachment interactions, you can learn to replicate these experiences in other relationships and build a brighter future. If you’re in CO or FL, schedule your free 15-minute consultation call with me here to get started.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!