What is Anxious Attachment?

You may have been hearing more about attachment theory and attachment styles lately as this theory has started to become a little more popularized with social media. While there are multiple attachment styles, today we’ll focus on the anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment usually develops because of inconsistent parenting/caregiving (more on that later). This attachment style can make relationships feel tumultuous and/or reactive. Luckily, attachment styles are not permanent and can be changed! Keep reading to learn more about the characteristics of an anxious attachment style, the effects of an anxious attachment style on a relationship, and how to begin to heal attachment wounds that lead to an anxious attachment style.

Characteristics of Anxious Attachment:

At the core of an anxious attachment style is the fear of abandonment. People who grow to develop an anxious attachment style likely experienced inconsistent caregiving and frequent emotional misattunement—meaning that the caregivers were not in sync with the child’s emotional state and did not offer the appropriate comfort that the child needed at that time. Parents of these children may have also used their children to fulfill their own needs for love and connection and may have been overly involved or intrusive in their child’s life. This creates the dynamic that the parent’s needs are the focus, not the child’s.

As a result of these caregiver experiences, the child begins to develop an inability to trust that people will be dependable. Below are some common traits of anxious attachment style:

·      low self-esteem

·      clinginess

·      strong reactivity to perceived threats to connection/abandonment

·      jealousy or suspicion of their partners

·      intensely sensitive to, and sometimes threatened by, emotional shifts in their partner

·      hypervigilant to anything that is a perceived threat to connection or that seems like abandonment (like a constantly hyperactivated alarm system)

·      needing frequent reassurance from their partner

·      difficulty/fear being alone

·      reliance on others for emotion regulation and soothing

·      development of “protest behavior” in order to feel connected

Effects of an Anxious Attachment on Relationships

People with an anxious attachment style tend to put a lot of pressure on a relationship in that a relationship feels necessary for them to feel soothed/loved/safe, but having a relationship also causes them a great deal of anxiety and stress. The relationship can feel very up and down and intense because of this. Often, they will react intensely to perceived threats to connection, even if the threat is very small or not really an actual threat (ex: a partner takes a hour longer to return a text message, when they usually respond quickly—this will likely cause the person with anxious attachment to feel insecure and anxious about why their partner took longer to text back. They may perceive it as a sign that their partner is rejecting them or abandoning them).

Direct communication about feelings and needs may be difficult with this attachment style as well. As children, people with this style learned that their needs are not important and usually develop ways other than direct communication to get their needs met. Protest behavior patterns are one way that people with an anxious attachment style sometimes learn to communicate. Protest behavior is behavior that is designed to reassure a sense of connection; however, it is not skillful and can be harmful to the relationship. An example of protest behavior with the texting example mentioned a few sentences back would be calling their partner repeatedly to get a response, or waiting longer than their partner did to respond as a “keeping score” tactic. Obviously, neither of these behaviors directly communicate the person’s feelings or needs to their partner

So what can you do if you feel like you have an anxious attachment style?

Thankfully, attachment styles are not permanent. It’s totally possible to change your attachment style and work towards something call “earned secure attachment”. This is basically what is sounds like—through self-growth work you can earn a secure attachment style even if you did not have the foundation for a secure attachment growing up.  Here are some starting points to healing your attachment wounds:

1) Learn your anxious attachment triggers and reactions, and practice new skills. Think about your past relationship and identify the triggers to your attachment behavior. Note what emotions you were feeling when triggered and the behavior that followed. For instance: perhaps every time your partner was even slightly late without calling, you felt extremely anxious and called them repeatedly until they answered and then reacted angrily. This gives you a starting point for where you may need to improve your emotion regulation skills. Rather than calling repeatedly and becoming angry, you could work on self-soothing strategies and communication skills to share why their being late bothered you.

2)    Learn to identify securely attached people. Being in relationship with securely attached individuals can help you to change your behaviors as well. Practice opening yourself up to trust a securely attached friend, family member, or partner (or therapist!). Over time, this can help you learn that some people can be trusted, that intimacy can be safe and stable, and that when you communicate your feelings and needs you feel important and heard.  This may feel like taking a risk, but if you are identifying emotionally healthy people, the risk is more times than not going to pay off.

3)    Start therapy. A therapist can help you walk through this process.  Therapists are great people to practice having a secure relationship as you practice being vulnerable and trusting another person. Attachment focused therapists are skilled in understanding the dynamics of your attachment styles and can also provide you with new skills and ways of thinking about yourself and others that can be helpful for your healing journey.  

While attachment related behaviors and patterns can put strain on relationships, attachment styles can change. If you relate to any of the anxious attachment characteristics perhaps working in therapy could be helpful in healing wounds and patterns that interfere with your self-esteem and your relationships. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist to start on your path towards healing your attachment wounds!

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma.