The Way You Talk to Yourself Really Matters—Here’s How to Start Being Kind to Yourself!

“Of course, you forgot again! You always forget, you’re so dumb.”

“Omg, look how gross the circles under your eyes look.”

“You aren’t doing a good job at work.”

“You were such a bad mom today.”

“Everyone else has it together, why don’t you?”

Sound like something you’d say to someone else? … probably not! Unfortunately, many of us don’t realize we talk to ourselves like this all day long.  

Imagine if we said these things to other people? Think of the hurt we’d cause others, how deflated people around us would feel! We’d literally have no friends. Yet so many of us have a constant stream of critical, hurtful commentary running in our heads throughout the entire day.

Why do we treat ourselves likes this?  There are a few reasons. Some people are simply unaware of their self-talk or have never really paid attention. It’s also easy to adopt hurtful voices from people in our lives or from the greater culture. Some people also believe that being tough on themselves will help keep them disciplined or motivated. While some people may feel that critical self-talk helps motivate them toward improvement or productivity, research suggests that kind, compassionate self-talk is more motivating and helpful and increases feelings of happiness and gratitude.

Here’s why self-talk is so important. When we tell ourselves something repeatedly, we start to believe it. Then our brains, being wired to seek out patterns, look for evidence to supports our beliefs, even if there is evidence to the contrary—it’s called confirmation bias. So, for example, by telling myself “I am a terrible therapist”, I start to believe I am a terrible therapist, and then I look for “evidence” that supports that I am terrible therapist which only strengthens my belief that I am a terrible therapist. After a while, this belief becomes so deeply held that it is difficult to change, and my behaviors and emotions match my beliefs.

On the flip side, we can use the power of our self-talk to help create positive beliefs about ourselves. Think of my example above, but with positive language. Ex: I tell myself “I’m an effective therapist” repeatedly, and I start to really believe I am an effective therapist. Because I believe this to be true, my brain is on the lookout for and finds examples that support the belief that I am an effective therapist, and thus my belief is reinforced, and I feel positive and behave positively about my job.

This all sounds great, but sometimes it’s hard to be positive when it really feels like that’s not true. That’s okay! I’m not suggesting that it’s better to just pretend everything is fine and not acknowledge areas of growth or mistakes. However, the way you talk to yourself in those moments is of huge importance as well. Instead of shaming yourself for a mistake (“You’re such an idiot”) or being critical of your performance on something you’re working towards (“You’ll never figure this out”), think about how you would respond to an innocent child in these situations. It’s easier to imagine kind language when we think of speaking to a child because most of us have a sense of compassion for children. Rather than saying, “you’re such an idiot!” you may say something like, “It’s okay, mistakes happen, but we can learn from this.” And instead of, “You’ll never figure this out”, you could say, “Just one step at a time, you’re learning”.

Again, when we repeat these kind, compassionate phrases over and over again, we start to believe them, we look for evidence to support them, and we feel and behave in response to them. Think of the contrast between the examples I’ve given of the negative self-talk statements and the positive self-talk statements and consider how each statement makes you feel. There is likely quite a difference in emotional states brought on by each statement.

Practice pausing throughout the day and notice your self-talk. Ask yourself: Would I speak to anyone else this way? What would I say to a child in this situation? With consistent practice of being aware of your self talk and replacing negative statements with compassionate statements, you can transform your self-talk. Kind and compassionate self-talk can become your default inner voice.  Changing the way you speak to yourself truly can change your life! What’s stopping you from adopting a compassionate inner voice?

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. Reach out to me at hannah@hannahdorshercounseling.com to inquire about working together!