How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

Attachment styles are developed based on the types of interactions we had with our early caregivers. Caregivers who were consistent and mostly accurate in meeting our needs helped us to form a secure attachment. Caregivers who struggled to meet our needs likely laid the foundation for an insecure attachment style.

Without any effort, our attachment styles usually stay consistent throughout the course of our lives; however, attachment styles are not permanent. Luckily, our brains can rewire pathways with the right kinds of experiences and attention. Basically, you can turn an insecure attachment style into a secure attachment style.

This article discusses what attachment styles are and how we can work towards achieving a secure attachment style.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and feelings we experience and exhibit in relationships with others. There are four main attachment styes: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and fearful-avoidant (or disorganized) attachment.

This theory was first proposed by doctors Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby in the 50’s. They recognized that attachment styles are created in infancy and early childhood based on experiences with early primary caregivers. Our attachment styles influence the way we interact with others and the way we respond—emotionally and behaviorally-- when in relationship with partners.

Secure Attachment: Research estimates that a little over 50% of the population is securely attached, according to Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A., authors of “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love”. Securely attachment individuals tend to feel at ease with intimacy, feel safe in connection with others, and are usually warm and loving. These individuals enjoy being close and are not overly sensitive to rejection. They tend to be straightforward communicators and can handle conflict in a without being overly dramatic or reactive.

Anxious Attachment: Approximately 20% of the population is anxiously attached (Levine & Heller, 2010). Anxiously attached individuals also desire intimacy but are extremely sensitive to perceived abandonment or lack of closeness. When they sense a threat to closeness, they often act out dramatically due to their lacking appropriate communication skills. Without a very calm, nurturing, and patient response from a partner, an anxiously attached person will feel amplified distress and will likely amplify acting out as a way of expressing their anxiety or fear of the loss of connection.

Avoidant Attachment: Around 25% of the population is avoidantly attached (Levine & Heller, 2010). Avoidantly attached individuals do have a need for intimacy; however, they are likely to feel smothered by closeness. One of their main desires is independence and they often pull away frequently from their partners. Rather than having direct communication, they are likely to avoid heavy conversations and distance themselves from the relationship when conflict occurs.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: It’s likely that 3-5% of the population has a fearful-avoidant attachment style (Levine & Heller, 2010).  People with this attachment vacillate between a combination of intense anxious and avoidant behaviors. They tend to have very unstable relationships with intense, and sometimes violent, behaviors.

How are attachment styles developed?

Our early caregiving experiences shape our attachment style, which then affects the way we attach in our adult relationships. For example, a caregiver who was sometimes attentive and present to their infant’s needs, but other times absent tends to create a sense for the infant that other people cannot relied on to get their needs met because they are unpredictable. An infant may respond to this type of situation by becoming very anxious and cling to their caregivers in the attempt to draw in closeness from a caregiver, despite not trusting them.

Alternatively, caregiver that become irritated or angry when a child shows emotions or that ignores their child’s cries or cues of distress, tend to cause the child to pull away, indicating a sense of understanding that no matter what they do their caregiver will not meet their needs. They tend to develop a very early sense of independence and a “swallowing” of emotions.

Finally, if a caregiver is erratic, abusive, and chaotic—sometimes exhibiting big shows of love, other times being completely absent or neglectful, or being extremely angry or aggressive, a child will likely develop a sense of fear and mistrust towards their caregiver. They may desire closeness with their caregiver, but when they get close, they notice a sense of fear and pull away or act out.  

So how can you change your attachment style?

We can change our attachment styles and overcome some of the struggles in relationships that occur as a result. Here are some of the steps to healing your attachment styles:

1)    Examine your past. By reflecting on your early experience and your relationship history, you can get a deeper sense of understanding about how you tend to behave in relationships and why this is the case. It can sometimes to be helpful to make a relationship timeline and look at the quality of attachments in each of the main relationships listed on your timeline. Think about how you felt in the relationships, how you behaved in the relationships and whether this seems to fall in line with your identified attachment style. It is also important to pay attention to the emotions that come up with you think about your early childhood caregiver experiences.

2)    Identify the “story” you hold about yourself and work to change it if necessary. Attachment wounds can affect self-esteem and beliefs about yourself. Identify how you feel and think about yourself and work to change unhelpful beliefs. For example, if you have a belief that you are unlovable, that will directly affect your relationships. You may need to work on letting go of these beliefs about yourself and creating new, more helpful beliefs.

3)    Learn your attachment triggers and reaction, and practice new skills. Think about your past relationship and identify the triggers to your attachment behavior. Note what emotions you were feeling when triggered and the behavior that followed. For instance: perhaps every time your partner was even slightly late without calling, you felt extremely anxious and called them repeatedly until they answered and then reacted angrily. This gives you a starting point for where you may need to improve your emotion regulation skills. Rather than calling repeatedly and becoming angry, you could work on self-soothing strategies and communication skills to share why their being late bothered you.

4)    Learn to identify securely attached people. Being in relationship with securely attached individuals can help you to change your behaviors as well. Practice opening yourself up to trust a securely attached friend, family member, or partner. Over time, this can help you learn that some people can be trusted, and intimacy can be safe and stable. This may feel like taking a risk, but if you are identifying emotionally healthy people, the risk is more times than not going to pay off.

5)    Start therapy. A therapist can help you walk through this process.  Therapists are great people to practice having a secure relationship as you practice being vulnerable and trusting another person. Attachment focused therapists are skilled in understanding the dynamics of your attachment styles and can also provide you with new skills and ways of thinking about yourself and others that can be helpful for your healing journey.  

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist to start on your path towards healing your attachment wounds. Attachment styles are not permanent!

References

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find--and keep--love . Jeremy P. Tarcher, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc..

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma.