6 Nervous System Calming Skills to use After a Breakup

Almost all of us have been there—the heartbreak felt after a breakup can be truly overwhelming and dysregulating. In the aftermath of a breakup so many things change—your schedule, your activities, the people you spend time with, the person you text about your day...  All this sudden change can leave you feeling very anxious, devastated, and at a loss for how to soothe yourself. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that would really soothe the emotional pain is the person you are no longer in a relationship with. However, that is not the case. This blog will give you some basic skills to use to help self-soothe your nervous system and help it return to a more regulated state in the wake of a breakup.

Why are we targeting the nervous system?

During a breakup, the sympathetic nervous system—responsible for your fight/flight/freeze response—becomes activated due to the sense of loss (or abandonment) and the emotional intensity of the situation. This can lead to an increase in stress hormones being released that can affect your sleeping patterns, eating habits, heart rate, breathing rate, ability to concentrate, ability to make sound decisions, mood instability, etc. The sooner you can begin to

work on tending to your nervous system and allowing it to return to a regulated place, the better. 

Here are 6 things you can do to calm your nervous system after a breakup:

1)    Get physical exercise:  Moving your body helps to reduce the amount of stress hormones you have circulating, and it also causes your brain to release endorphins (feel good chemicals) which improve your mood. Even going for a walk can provide you with the benefits above. Trying yoga or dance or other somatic movements can also help to calm your nervous system and increase body awareness and help you relax.

2)    Grounding skills: Here is my favorite—grab yourself a hot drink (favorite coffee or tea, hot cocoa, etc). Hold the mug in your hand and notice how the warmth feels. Notice the weight of the drink, notice the texture of the mug. When you take a sip notice how it feels as you sip—is it warm? Can you feel the heat when you swallow? What is the texture of the drink like as you sip? Then notice the smell of the drink. Does it remind you of anything? Notice what the drink looks like—describe the color of the drink and the mug, do you notice steam rising from the cup, etc. Noticing your five senses grounds you in the present moment and reduce anxiety and calm your nervous system. You can try this with other objects as well.

3)    Connect with healthy loved ones: The power of connection is real! When you feel supported and cared for your brain sends your body signals to relax and calm down. Being able to talk about how you’re feeling with your friends and family can help release emotional stress and can help you gain new perspectives.

4)    Show yourself some love: Nurturing self-care activities can increase a sense of self-love and self-compassion. Try taking a long bath, going for a walk in nature, lighting candles and listening to soothing music, get a massage, etc.

5)    Deep breathing and/or guided meditation exercises: Deep breathing and meditation directly calm your nervous system. They allow you to strengthen your ability to stay grounded in the present (rather than spinning out in anxiety). They help you to relax and bring about a feeling of wellbeing. Try square breathing—breathing in for a count of 4, hold for 4 counts, out for 4 counts, and hold for 4, then repeat ten times.  For guided meditations—there are tons of free meditations on YouTube and Spotify. You can also use an app like Headspace or Calm.

6)    Try therapy: Talking to a professional about how you’re feeling is so helpful. Therapy can help you process your feelings, learns new ways of dealing with your feelings, identify relationship patterns that may be problematic, learn new ways of relating in relationships, etc. If there was an abusive component to your relationship history, trauma therapy (like EMDR) could very helpful too.

Focusing on calming your nervous system is an important part of healing; however, it’s important to remember that your healing process is unique. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve and process your feelings—heartbreak hurts, but you can move forward!

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. Contact me here.